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Saturday, 7 August 2004

image for Tom Ridge Explains Threat Levels
Kept by the President in a draw in the Oval Office.

Tom Ridge head of Homeland Security confirmed that he was sick of explaining what each layer of the Threat Level means, and is setting it out once and for all.

"Low" is the green bit at the bottom and is normally used when the President is depressed. While this should indicate no threat, making him happy, my job is to tell you what it is not why it got there.

"Guarded" is the blue just above "Low" and it normally finds application when they are doing the budget. "Guarded" confirms that the president is locked up in the Oval Office to avoid electioneering via further tax cuts.

"Elevated" which is in yellow means that one of the current or former administration has recently published their autobiography laying all secrets bare. When both Clinton's released their memoirs we were taken by surprise because it stayed "Low" but the Supreme Court revisited the laws on pornography.

"High" or orange means that despite continued high taxes the deficit continues to rise above the half-a-trillion mark. It's either that or somehow, somewhere John Kerry is throwing his medals overboard again.

"Severe" or red means that Clinton, Quayle or Gore are on a diplomatic mission somewhere beyond the US borders. Their location is immediately and accidently leaked to Al Quaiada operatives in the area.

Those are the 5 different Threat Levels which are manned by Tom Ridge and the folks at Homeland Security. But what if America is under threat from a nuke, which is on it's way already and the President needs to inform the whole country in a matter of minutes?

"Well ladies and gentlemen that is something which needs action faster than newspaper, radio and television combined can deliver."

"In a matter of minutes we need to inform and then evacuate the American people before armageddon descends. The key to the exercise is speed".

"If you look on the presidents table in the Oval Office you will see a small key. It opens a drawer which contains a phone with a direct line to Susan Sarandon. The president then tells her of the problem and says 'for God's sake don't tell anybody...."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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