Atlanta, Georgia - The latest reports from the American Cancer Society paint a grim tale. While approximately 190,000 men will get prostate cancer this year - the same as the number of women who get breast cancer - all resources of the United States Postal Service are dedicated to women, not men.
Lack of funding?
Yes, says Gloria Allred, who represents men's groups around the nation, and it is the United States Post Office responsible. This due to their "Breast Cancer" stamp for promoting donations, but in the case of their "Prostate Cancer" stamp, only promoting awareness.
"Here you have a purely tax funded institution, governed by the 14th amendment 'equality' clause, and they systematically favor female citizens over male ones.", said Gloria Allred, the attorney representing all American males.
"It's rank discrimination that they collect money and donate it to save female citizen's lives, while leaving my male clients out in the cold."
Indeed, Gloria Allred has the harshest words for her fellow females. "What good will saving your breasts do you, when no man is 'up' to the task of having sex with you?", she asks. "It's time we show our grandfathers, fathers, sons and brothers the same concern we show for ourselves. Fair is fair - and legally mandated."
Reached for comment, Vern T. Kesselman, third assistant U.S. Postmaster General of the nation's longest running bankrupt enterprise said, "Well, hey now, we've never been popular, and when we saw all them pink ribbons, we figured this would get people off our backs to help. That and we think preserving titties is a good thing. Who wants to see a bunch of flat chested women? Hell, are they even women then?"
Gloria Allred is not amused. She wants the immediate release of a prostate cancer stamp that actually raises money, not just "promotes awareness" as the current ones do. She also wants a 54 million dollar donation from the U.S. Post Office equivalent to the amount they've already raised and gave to fight breast cancer. And punitive damages. And most importantly, a large fee for herself.
And an explanation - as do the nation's 150 million men, and the women who care about them - as to why they didn't do the same thing for men as women from the start.