President George W. Bush announced today that he has come out in favor of embryonic stem cell research. While anticipating that we may be fighting insurgents in Iraq for the next twenty years, drafting embryos twenty years ahead of time to fight disease would be like fighting the evil empires of cancer; heart disease, damage neurons, Alzheimer and other illnessed.
"This would be like drafting the National Guard or Forest Rangers, Meter Maids, Taxi Drivers, Boy Scouts or retired dancers from the #@$%& Jodfrey Ballet. Every contributor would automatically receive a folded American flag. Not the same size, though. Smaller. A great deal smaller. Say the size of a postage stamp. It could be worn proudly on the lapel like a pin. Yeah, so it means announcing to the whole wide world that you used a plastic cup, but hey, it was done in the line of dooty." (duty)
Questioned whether his change of mind was influenced in any way by Halliburton's announcement that it was merging with a company doing stem cell research in the state of Arizona, the President became livid.
"It duddant (doesn't) have anything ta (to) do with Halliburton. This is a great opportunity to rid the world of another kind of enemy. It is a crusade against the evil axis of disease and I say, bring 'em on. It'll make the world a healthier place, slam dunk health care insurance altogether and I just might be able to get a decent golf swing out of it."
"How," questioned a reporter from the Christian Science Monitor, "do you expect to improve your golf swing through stem cell research?"
"Easy. The scientists will just connect the dots using stem cells from some of our top golfers in the world and zero in on golf swings and bingo, I got me a better golf swing and this mission is accomplished."
Vice President Cheney was seen nodding in the background, while giving the middle finger to the correspondent asking the Halliburton question.
When another reporter questioned the behavior of the Vice President Lynn Cheney, the Vice President's wife, proudly stepped forward and said, "That's my Dick."