Written by SciTy
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Topics: Florida, Media

Friday, 6 August 2004

Gary Jones of Miami, Florida has released a statement to the world wide news media that states that after an exhaustive privately funded study, he has concluded that elves are probably real.

"I was sittin' around readin' Harry Potter when I done thought about elves bein' real," said Jones.

After a long period of time, Mr. Jones said he went to his son's room to borrow the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
"Now, I couldn't make head nor tail of them fancy words the author was usin', but then my son done told me they was a movie now. So's I packed up mah tabaccy and headed on over to the video store." said Jones.

He rented the first movie and the last movie because the second movie was only available on DVD and he did not have the appropriate device to playback that format.

"Jesus, damn divty deevity dum dum crapola they tryin' to push on us poor middle age folks. I wa'n't havin' it. Tarnation." Jones recounted.

After viewing the first movie, Mr. Jones was almost certain what the conclusion to his research would most likely be but he continued studying the two films over and over.

"I kept fallin' asleep through them movies. Long as hell. I just kep' rewindin' 'em and setting back to play over 'n' over 'til I was plum tuckered out." remembered Jones.

With 90 minutes total of the two films watched, Mr. Jones concluded that "Them damn elves is real, I tell you. I done saw them suckers at the mall the other day. They was climbin' all over the walls and [CENSORED]." he is quoted as saying in his press release.

"They sure were fightin' sons a [CENSORED]s too. I knocked one down to see if he had that damn ring they always talkin' 'bout but sho' 'nuff, the little bugger'ed swallered 'er up before you could say lickety split." said Jones. "I let the little [CENSORED] go right 'bout then 'cause I had me a hankerin' for Slim Jims."

While the press release is only a paragraph, it speaks volumes about Jones' open minded attitude toward the infinite possibilities of other forms of life coexisting with humans.

"You just watch your damn ass when you is walkin' in them damn woods is all I'm sayin'." Jones said in his press release.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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