SEATTLE, Washington - Today coffee moguls Starschmucks announced their new "Screw America" campaign, their latest in a series of corporate sponsored events designed to destroy troop morale, lend aid and comfort to our enemies, support terrorism and hate freedom. Because, as their CEO Howie Schmuck said, "That's just how we roll."
Starschmucks is no stranger to such controversial and profit destroying plans. Long known for being second only to WalMart in their disdain for all that makes America great, they first started some years ago with a quiet campaign to deprive soldiers of their coffee. Or as was related by Sgt. Howard C. Wright of the USMC back in 2004, "I wrote them a letter, asking for their aid in sending me some coffee - not for me, you understand, but for a private I knew who was dieing."
Sgt. Wright was referring to Private Eddie Slovik, who had single handedly saved an Iraqi village comprised solely of handicapped children and nuns from a terrorist attack, before then saving them again from a U.S. Air Force bombing raid. Regrettably, Private Slovik was straffed when he hurled his body between the squadron of U.S. planes and a church full of crippled nuns holding Downs Syndrome toddlers holding puppies.
Private Slovik begged Sgt. Wright, "If I could just have a cup of Starschmucks coffee, I could hold on long enough to write my dear widowed mother a letter, telling her where she could find the money to save the family farm and get an operation for my crippled and blind little brother, Tiny Tim. Please, please, just one cup of decalf venti orange mocha frappuccino."
Alas, it was not to be, as Starschmucks answered the heartfelt plea of the Sergeant with a letter saying that they did not support the troops, any more then they supported the firemen and policeman of 9/11 - many of whom Starschmucks had watched die of thirst, rather then let them sip some water out of Starschmucks' unflushed toilets. Afterwards, Starschmucks bought the bank that held the note on the farm, foreclosed on it, and killed Tiny Tim. Slowly.
Fortunately, Sgt. Wright had access to a computer and sent an email to his closest billion friends around the world. And has kept up with Starschmucks campaigns since, such as their "Your Mother Sucks" campaign, and later on their "Jesus Does, Too" campaign. "Someone has to expose them", said Sgt. Wright while helping a kitten out of a tree in Falujah. "God knows no one else cares to. Otherwise, everyone would stop buying from these monsters."
Saying that, he excused himself, to write a letter home to his father, who oddly enough has the same name as the CEO of Folgers.