Washington, D.C. - President Obama, dimed out by the British Press, is now contemplating just how many soldiers to send to the black hole of teens and tax-dollars that is Kabul.
At stake is one of the key goals of American foreign policy, the continued and timely supply of heroin to the vast American market. "We can't forget the Taliban era.", said one Bronx drug dealer on the condition of anonymity, "Remember how many little old ladies you had to mug for a night's relief, then? George Bush got those prices back down, and Obama is continuing that legacy."
The dealer is referring to the fact that the Taliban had had the disturbing practice of enforcing drug laws, and burning all poppy fields under their control. After our invasion, the U.S. Army was able to restore 98% of all poppy fields and production centers, and under the Obama administration there is actually more being produced then in pre-Talibanic times.
"You gotta give the Prez credit", said a Eugene, Oregon drug dealer, "prices have never been so low for a ride on the Horse. I support his latest surge. Shit, them poppies ain't going to guard themselves."
Financial analysts are reporting that such a surge should drop the price on the street by at least 10%, which should come as a welcome relief to those usually robbed by heroin addicts. Pharmacist Jim Barnes, owner of a drug store in East St. Louis, Illinois, said, "Thank heavens! I had two break ins last year, but under Obama's planned surge, my insurance provider has told me that my rates will go back down!"
Meanwhile, a wave of new enlistees is expected. Said new recruit Eddie Slovik, "You bet I signed up! I come from a whole family of users, and I felt it important to do my part to keep their supply constant! I remember as a kid, wondering where mom's next fix was coming from, and fearing she'd take it out on me! I don't want my little brother to have to worry about that!"