BATHESDA, Md - Dr. Jamal Kuweeza, long-time surgeon at the Bethesda Naval Hospital, was arrested Sunday for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. During the investigation, police found a portfolio containing photos and papers pertaining to what appeared to be a secret genetic engineering project taking place at the government facility.
FBI agents arrived at the Bethesda City Jail, secured the release of Dr. Kuweeza and demanded that the portfolio and its contents be returned. The police complied and Dr. Kuweeza was ferried away in a black Ford Excursion with dark tinted windows.
A jail official, who prefers to remain anonymous, found the information disturbing enough to make copies of the documents and photos. Nervously, the unnamed official turned the copies over to reporters explaining that "if something like this is going on in America, it's my duty see that the people know. I may have black helicopters circling my house tonight, but at least I know I did the right thing."
The information released included details on a human cloning and genetic engineering project that has apparently been underway since 1998. Reports told of repeated attempts -- all with varying degrees of success, but most failures - to clone ‘the perfect presidential candidate.' Initial results were apparently successful in improving the intelligence of the clones, but, based on the apparent frustration in Dr. Kuweeza's notes, political wrangling complicated the project on a geometric scale.
Following the 2000 presidential election, reports indicate that partisan bickering had entered into this project and a once "pure" objective had become mired in political ambitions. Republicans wanted to genetically engineer the perfect Republican candidate, while Democrats wanted the same for their party. Dr. Kuweeza's notes reflected growing tension between the political parties and an increased likelihood of project failure due to the expanded scope. In more than one instance, the doctor questioned the morality of such an effort, and voiced regretting ever getting involved.
A photo dated May 4, 2004, and attached to the latest report in the portfolio boasted success. The report detailed the steps taken to create the perfect presidential candidate; one with superior intelligence, and a genetically engineered, perfectly balanced Republican/Democrat disposition. The baby, artificially gestated for approximately nine months in Bethesda laboratory, was ‘born' May 3, 2004, and was listed as healthy, despite his odd appearance. No additional information was provided regarding the baby's condition.
The release of this information has prompted a firestorm in the House. Senator Richard Gephardt (D-MO) denied knowing anything about this project and promised to get to the bottom of it. "No self-respecting Democrat would sully his good reputation by consorting with individuals such as this. Mark my words; this is a ploy by the Republican party to illegally maintain control of the government and it will not stand," continued the Senator. The Whitehouse was not available for comment, but promised a full statement within 24 hours.
Presumptive Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry was questioned about the supposed presidential cloning project while addressing the Union of Food and Commercial Workers in Milwaukee. Kerry responded with, "I can tell you, with God as my witness, that I have no knowledge of this heinous act. When I am president, I will slice this horrible monster in two, and expose all those involved. Our Constitution plainly states that the President of the United States must be a natural born citizen; not cloned! The government is using taxpayers' hard-earned tax dollars to fund hideous cloning projects, and that cannot continue. I'll blow the lid off this conspiracy and make 2 million new jobs during my first year." Kerry droned on about jobs, how much he hated Bush and the evils of outsourcing for another hour or so.
The government has yet to acknowledge the authenticity of the leaked information, but has promised to look into it. Americans must now deal with the fear that government officials may no longer be Joe Blow from next door, but rather a slick, genetically-engineered test tube product. Many voters have traditionally harbored a healthy distrust for politicians, but as several Maryland residents expressed, it's highly doubtful that George W. Bush was the result of any sort of genetic engineering.