In an interview with the Today Show's Jaime Gangel, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh denied being the leader of the Republican Party, instead declaring himself its "Demi-God". Laughing maniacally, Limbaugh then demanded tribute in the form of human sacrifices, effective immediately. "I'll give those freaking Democrats something to complain about," he said, adding, "I am not joking!" Promising to be a "fair and balanced god", Lord Rush promised not to sacrifice liberals solely on basis of race, gender or sexual orientation. "I'm thinking more along the lines of a liberal lotto. I mean, it's the only fair way to do it," he said, idly fidgeting with his shirt, admiring his mighty man-boobs.
Rush then named RNC chairman Michael Steele as his High Priest, ordering him to immediately begin construction of an altar upon which to conduct non-stop human sacrifices. "That'll keep my audience entertained 24-7," he mused. Steele eagerly accepted the position, but initially balked at the High Priest outfit. Calling the material "incendiary" and the style "ugly", a pair of Steele balls briefly fell into view to the amazement of all present. "Aw, HELL no! I'll wear the head-dress, but not the damned loincloth," he said...just before seeing his name appear on a list of sacrifice "contestants". Quickly back-tracking, the Chairman/High Priest revised his position. "OK...the loincloth, too," quietly announced the duly chastised GOP figurehead, audibly sucking his balls back into his body. Rush also named Glen Beck his "only begotten son". "I made him," Rush reminisced. "I'll never forget that encounter with his mother in the Greyhound bus bathroom..." Rush began before being interrupted by the sound of Gangel throwing up in her mouth a little."Hey, I was just joking! What is it with you people?" said Rush staring incredulously.
In order to keep his followers tuning in, Limbaugh also plans death matches between NFL teams. "I'll make ancient Rome look like a liberal paradise," he smirked. "Won't play for me, eh? Then...you...will...all...DIE!" said Limbaugh making googly eyes. As Gangel giggled in response, Limbaugh stared daggers through her. "I was not joking," said Rush, deadly serious.
Other Lovecraftian horrors Rush proposes to unleash upon society include the abolishment of MNBC, and the sequester of arch-nemesis Keith Olbermann as his personal jester. "I'm going to love making him have to respond to, 'Send in my Fool!'" Limbaugh also has a series of custom tortures planned, from latte boarding liberals, to putting all keys to the men's room "above shoulder level" where Senator John McCain can't reach them. "I considered a Sisyphus-style torture in having him roll a rock up a hill for all eternity...but figured watching him wet his pants would be a hell of a lot funnier!" As Gangel stared slack-jawed, unsure how to respond, Rush smiled slightly and nodded, "Yeah, I'm just joking. I actually plan on making him push that rock."
When Gangel asked Limbaugh if he would select virgins to sacrifice from Miss America contestants, he laughed out loud. "Where in the hell am I going to find a virgin there? I dunno, maybe they'll fit in as temple prostitutes, but if I want real virgins, I'm probably going to have to cull them from Star Trek Conventions." Defending himself from accusations of socialism for promising oxycodone dispensers on every corner, Rush insisted it wasn't socialism at all. "Consider it manna from heaven," he snickered. "Besides, only the true-believers will have access, so basically it's elitism, pure and simple."
Limbaugh plans to "ascend to divinity" January 12th, his birthday. Besides non-stop human sacrifice, passages from Rush's latest book will be put to music with Rush singing his own praises."No one else can possibly do it justice," he admitted. And he was not joking!