PAYSON, AZ - Dr. Harold B. Phallistra of the Payson Institute For Advanced Studies (PIFAS), claimed today in a small press conference held in the lobby of the Institute, that a recent spate of tree deaths in the area has led to an oxygen shortage in Payson.
Payson is noted for the use of four wheel drive trucks that gulp a lot of oxygen. Recently, truckers here have reported a great decrease in horsepower; they are getting stuck on the 30% grades that they usually climb with ease.
The problem, claimed Dr. Phallistra, is not due to an engine or fuel malfunction.
"People forget that to make an engine produce power, you need hydrocarbon fuel and oxygen. So many trees have died here recently, Payson has had to import oxygen in from other regions. This has led to a 40% decrease in oxygen levels here. Not only are trucks unable to make the grade, but we have many reports of old people needing to buy more and more oxygen at the local pharmacy", Dr. Phallistra stated.
He predicts that long before we run out of oil, engines will stop running due to lack of oxygen.
"Engines can be redesigned to run in the lower oxygen atmosphere, by adding aspartame to the fuel tank, for example; but this will just accelerate the problem", he continued.
He concluded, "I don't expect any engines to be running in ten years time."