ZURICH, Switzerland - Roman Polanski's court-appointed Swiss attorney Burgdorf Zingen has informed the news media that he is afraid that if his client in not released on bail, and soon, Polanski may start eating himself in protest.
Zingen, said that Polanski confided to him that he has never been sadder than he is now. He says that he hates being in jail because it is so gosh darn yicky, yucky, and vomiticious.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I looked in seven different dictionaries and I could not find the word 'vomiticious.' I think that Mr. Zingen probably meant to say 'vomitous.']
The Swiss attorney who last year successfully defended Switzerland's largest chocolate maker SwissCocoa SoSo Inc. in the lawsuit filed against them by the government of Portugal, said that every day Mr. Polanski is losing one pound in weight.
He said that he personally weighed Polanski yesterday and the famed director weighed 129 pounds, down from 143 pounds, when he was first incarcerated. Zingen said that at that rate in two months the talented director will be down to 69 pounds.
Swiss Judge Ruti Schaffhausen was informed of this mathematical factor. He took a sip of his cup of Swiss Mistress Cocoa and said, "Don't care."
Attorney Zingen has asked that Judge Schaffhausen please ask Governor Rick Perry of Texas to stop emailing his client and telling him stupid things like, "We're waiting for ya, Romy," "Polanski? What da hell kinda name is Polanski?" and "Sparky says 'howdy.'"
Judge Schaffhausen told Zingen to just tell Polanski not to open up any email that he happens to receive from firstname.lastname@example.org
Governor Perry was asked if he had actually stated that the real reason that he wanted for Roman Polanski to come to Texas was so that he could present him with a lifetime achievement award.
Perry grinned and said, "Dammit, ahhh that's a good one. And the answer is yes. In fact, we have all kinds of awards, accolades, and trophies we would like to personally bestow on the little French fella."
In related news. Sarah Palin was asked if she has seen a Chupacabra running around on her Saracuda Ranch in Texas. The MILF reportedly replied that she hadn't but that if she does the little sumbitch is toast.