HOUSTON - Reliant Stadium, home of the NFL Houston Texans has been named The #1 Tailgating City in the United States.
Wade Bucknerstone, president of The American Tailgaters Council was asked exactly what factors are considered in deciding what makes a good tailgating stadium? He answered that it was the four F's: Food, friendliness, fanaticism, and footballs.
The food includes everything from brisket, bratwurst, and barbecue to lobster, jambalaya, and tamales.
Bucknerstone said that the friendliness means that the parking lot folks are willing to share their various foods, reading material, and some underwear with total strangers.
Fanaticism means that men wear football helmets, football jerseys, football cleats, and football cups. And the women must wear the shortest miniskirts or the shortest shorts and the tiniest tightest halter tops on the market.
And the footballs pertains to every kind of football imaginable from Nerf footballs to actual regulation store-bought NFL footballs in the $95 price range.
The one universal tailgating rule that is strictly enforced is that all cussing must be held down to the bare minimum, no exceptions.
And the secondary rule is that women with very noticeable cellulite must make every effort within their power to kindly cover it up, after all every one will be eating something or other.
And the same goes for the male species and the ever present beer belly. All beer bellies must be covered up and even a hint of a belly button showing can be grounds, in most stadium parking lots, for immediate expulsion.
Tailgating partiers will not discriminate against anyone on grounds of race, creed, age, color, gender, religious affiliation, or political affiliation.
Now the one thing that none of the national football stadiums will tolerate are atheists. If you are an atheist then you have absolutely no business whatsoever at at an American football tailgate party.
Two years ago up in Green Bay's Lambeau Field's parking lot a gentlemen from Milwaukee told one of the tailgating revelers that he was an atheist. Three of the older women beat him with a full slab of ribs. It was not a pretty sight.
One of the women told him that he was just lucky that they weren't barbecuing bowling balls.
Meanwhile, the Littlemill triplets Cody, Cory, and Connie from Cleveland each year dress up as a goal post. The Littlemills have won the best tailgating costume award for the last 13 years.
In other news. Catherine Zeta-Jones has just announced that effective November 1, 2009, she will be dropping the hyphen.