Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 7 October 2009

image for Kelly Osbourne of Dancing With The Stars Burns Her Armpits
Kelly's dad Ozzy Osbourne wearing a USS Missouri cap that was given to him by the governor of Nebraska.

HOLLYWOOD - Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's little girl, Kelly has admitted to Dancing With The Stars executives that she has burned her armpits.

The British lass said that a day before the show she sprayed on some deodorant spray and it had some kind of weird-ass (her words) affect on her soft, smooth milky-white skin.

Kelly said that about 45 seconds after spraying the deodorant called Smell of Spring, her armpits were burning like a mutha (EXPLETIVE DELETED BY EDITOR).

She said that her dance partner Louis Van Amstel heard her British accented screams and he immediately grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and sprayed Kelly with it.

A DWTS spokesperson said that all that the fire extinguisher spray really did was to ruin Kelly's $37 Black Sabbath T-Shirt.

Van Amstel was reprimanded by one of the shows producers Bernadette Penderlicki for putting his dance partner through a bunch of needless stress.

The other DWTS producer Curtis Verflippet was not at the studio because he has checked himself into the Mary Ford Rehab Clinic on account of an Instant Scratch-Off Ticket addiction that has flared up.

The Osbourne family physician, Dr. Brandeis Bippus said that he advised Kelly to rest her armpits for 24 hours and to stay away from starchy food.

He stressed that the armpit burns should not really affect her dancing unless of course she dances a number where her armpits play an integral part in that particular dance number.

Kelly said that she feels fine and that her embarrassment should go away in two or three days.

Sharon Osbourne, Kelly's mom said that she is so proud of her little Poopie, her nickname for Kelly. she confessed that she has cried more just watching Kelly's last two dance performances than she has during her entire marriage to Ozzy.

Kelly' father ex-rock star Ozzy Osbourne was asked to comment on his daughter's armpit injury and he replied, "Ahh Kaylie shhhe goooot hurrr ahhh biiiitchin piiiits effffen burrrrnt."

A spokesperson for Dancing With The Stars said that the show will pay for all of Kelly's doctor bills plus they will also pay for Kelly to have one of her tattoos removed. They have also agreed to pay for Sharon to get a pedicure and for Ozzy to get diction lessons.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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