Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 6 October 2009

image for The Swiss Government To Roman Polanski: Bail!? Are You Effen Kidding Us?
This is a photo of the inside of Roman Polanski's Zurich jail cell.

ZURICH, Switzerland - The Swiss judge who is handling the Roman Polanski arrest case, Judge Ruti Schaffhausen, has come out and told Roman Polanski's attorney Burgdorf Zingen that not only is he denying his client bail, but he will also be imposing a $10,000 fine on both Polanski and Zingen for having the gall to even think about asking to have bail set.

Judge Schaffhausen, one of the most respected trail judges in Europe, said that RoPo, as his wife calls him, committed a dastardly crime in America back in 1977, 32 years ago and he fled the U.S. to avoid being incarcerated for 50 years.

And now, after 32 years! of being a friggin' fugitive from the arms of justice, he wants to be let out of jail on bail so that he can flee again?

Judge Schaffhausen became so angry and so insulted that he had to sit down. His bailiff brought him some water and she poured a little bit of Scotch in it to settle down the good judge's nerves.

The judge gained his composure and said that he has thought about it some more and that he had decided that he will be tacking on another $10,000 to both Polanski's and Zingen's fines for their unmitigated nerve, brazen pomposity, and classical chutzpah.

Judge Schaffhausen reportedly called up Larry King and confided in him that last week he received a phone call from the Governor of Texas Rick Perry.

The judge said that Governor Perry asked him to please extradite Mr. Polanski to Texas. He assured him that Mr. Polanski will be treated fairly.

He will be put in a nice jail cell in Houston's infamous MoFo #1 Prison, with 6 foot 10 inch, 395 pound Nordell "The Black Python" Johnson (inmate #652091) who is presently serving a 900 year prison sentence for bank robbery, train robbery, extortion, drug trafficking, counterfeiting, kidnapping, and armadillo molesting.

Mr. Johnson will make sure that none of the other prisoners harm this mop-haired, butt-ugly little French midget freak. Polanski will be issued a lacey pink baby-doll gown and matching underwear so that he can feel comfortable.

He will then be given a fair trial, after which he will then be escorted directly to the room that houses the infamous Texas electric chair known world-wide as "Old Sparky."

MoFo #1 Prison Warden Bubba Bubbawood said that he will then personally hook up the jumper cable-looking wires to Mr. Polanski's tongue. He will then ask what the little sumbitch would like to have as his last meal.

And when he answers, the little dip shit punk will be told that they are all fresh out. Since electric chair executions pretty much occur on a daily basis down in Texas, the state has compiled a list of 'switch throwers.'

This list has the names of well over 4 million Texans; men, women, and children who signed up for the honor of throwing the switch that sends 8.9 million volts of electricity through whoever the unlucky bastard that happens to be sitting on "Old Sparky" is.

USA Today is reporting that there are as yet unconfirmed reports that Governor Perry assured Judge Schaffhausen that if he would turn Polanski over to the state of Texas that he would pay him $35,000 cash.

The Texas governor also said that he would throw in season's tickets to all the home games of the ZSC Lions of The International Ice Hockey Federation.

Governor Perry told the popular Swiss judge that a few of his close amigos (friends) had all chipped in and they purchased a real nice 17 acre hunting ranch, just south of San Antonio off of the Interstate 35 highway to Laredo.

The governor said that he and his amigos had all agreed to sell the fabulous 17 acre hunting ranch to the fine judge for the sum total of 10 cents (U.S.).

An unnamed source said that Judge Schaffhausen immediately emailed Governor Perry back and asked him if he could borrow one of his hunting rifles. Perry reportedly told him no, but that he would be proud as hell to buy him a brand new hunting rifle exactly like his.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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