Written by Frankie The J
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Tuesday, 6 October 2009

image for Jessica Simpson does a Pocahontas-saves Chupacabra from Sarah Palin-Couple wed by Janet Reno
Jessica Simpson smiles for wedding photo after being married to the Chupacabra she saved from the rifle of Sarah Palin.

PHOENIX, AZ (ABSNN) with Abel Rodriguez on site - Jessica Simpson, possessor of the World's Most Dangerous Vagina, and a member of Sarah Palin's Chupacabra Hunting Expedition, became a Pocahontas of sorts, when she disarmed Palin, and saved the life of the Chupacabra Palin had trapped in a dry river bed just outside Phoenix, Arizona on Monday evening.

Reporter Abel Rodriguez chosen to document the expedition, filed the following report by satellite phone early Thursday morning:

"Jessica Simpson threw herself in front of the trapped Chupacabra just before Sarah Palin let loose a round from her 7mm Magnum rifle Monday evening. In a fight that ensued between the two women, Simpson disarmed Palin and wrestled her rifle away from the former Alaskan Governor.

"I love him/it," screamed Simpson. "I won't let you shoot him."

"Get out of my way, you silly cow," shouted Palin. "I've got a clear shot at the fucker!"

"No, I won't let you. I love him, I tell you."

"At that point, Simpson threw a large sandstone rock that hit Palin square in the forehead, knocking her senseless (which wasn't too difficult)," Rodriguez told his editor.

"Once Palin was out cold, Simpson took her rifle away and grabbed the shaken Chupacabra by the paw, and helped it to its feet (more or less), and squeezed it tightly to her ample breastesses.

In fact, Simpson squeezed the poor animal so tightly it shit out her dead poodle," Rodriguez reported.

Apparently, Simpson did not recognize the partially digested poodle. She carried the Chupacabra directly to former Attorney General Janet Reno and insisted the retired prosecutor perform a wedding ceremony on the spot, uniting the ecstatic Simpson and the speechless Chupacabra in Holy Moley Matrimony.

"When Reno refused, Simpson put Palin's rifle to the woman's head and said, 'Start preaching, bitch!"

Simpson forced country music singer Taylor Swift to be ring bearer and flower girl. Rodriguez used his camera phone to take wedding photographs.

After the ceremony, Palin was airlifted by helicopter to a Phoenix hospital for a prefrontal lobotomy.

Reno told Rodriguez, "I don't believe a human may marry a Chupacabra in the state of Arizona, so the two may not be legally married."

"Who cares," replied Abel; "I am most certainly about to win the Pulitzer Prize for Best Weird Shit Reporting on this one."

"We're counting on it," said Lowton from his London orifice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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