Democratic Nominee Senator John Kerry's run at the White House could lie in tatters inside sources have revealed. They fear that while he may not stabilise the oil problem he could single-handedly sort out America's natural gas requirements.
Speaking to us at John Hopkins Hospital our source, pausing only to empty a dead canary into a dustbin, revealed that Kerry had first met with Prof. Heinz Zimmerman two weeks ago.
Removing his miners helmet our source revealed that the party was deeply upset that they had had to discover the problem for themselves. During cocktails awhile back a certain Senator who breeds Budgies, had had his entire flock wiped out. "Tol' Kerry to flock off an' all"
At his first meeting Kerry apparently told Prof. Zimmerman that while he did let go often, the flatulence "did not smell and fortunately you could not hear them". The professor prescribed a strong mixture of pills and lotions.
At Kerry campaign headquarters members of the Senator's staff requested (begged really) that he stand in the doorway with his backside pointed at a window down the corridor. Members were warned that the problem was nothing to be sneezed at and all lighters and inflammable objects were confiscated.
Senator John Edwards who would call from a phone booth around the corner, said that while his loyalty was not in question, short of having his nose broken he did not see how he would be able to attend meetings in person.
Animal rights activists have warned that they have set a 200 dead canary limit before Democrats would "simply have to take their chances".
Occupants of the building next door said that at first they thought the sewage plant had exploded "after Beelzebub hisself had taken a dump".
In later news and upon his return to Prof. Zimmerman, Senator Kerry advised the professor that while the pills and lotions had not helped slow his flatulence down and even though he could not smell them, he could certainly hear them now.
Prof. Zimmerman confirmed to CNN that progress was being made. He advised that Kerry's hearing had been restored and they were now working on his Sinusitis.