A remarkable view of a competing candy bar has been obtained by Europe's billion-euro Hershey Candy Observatory, as my host and source for this story informed me as he leads me on a tour of the telescope.
The telescope was put in a special bar scanning mode to map a patch of chocolate.
The images reveal in exquisite detail the dense, contorted mounds of nugget, nuts, caramel and chocolate - sure to cause gas to fill out your belt line. It seems to be Mars.
Plans are afoot to upgrade Hershey bars with new features, based on these observations. It is expected that Americans will need to take out their waistlines yet again once the new candy hits the street.
Surely, the economic recovery can't be far behind now!
Oh no! What's this?? The aspartame detector has gone off!
Make that six sizes!