Deadline, Vatican City, Rome, Italy.
Following claims from nutjob Phillip Garrido, the kidnapper of Jaycee Lee Dugard, that he kept God in a box, and held regular conversations with the Divine One, the Vatican, which until now has been reluctant to pass judgement on the case, finally felt compelled to comment.
In the little known chapel of Saint Salvatore Of The Piano Wire, Monsignor Francois DuBois SJ, a Jesuit priest previously renowned for being a big hit with the ladies, told assembled reporters:
"Garrido is a crazy man. He did not have God in a box. God just doesn't do boxes. God lives in heaven. With angels. Not Hell's Angels. He's not too keen on biker types. Proper angels with wings and harps. In fact, God told us as we prayed to him that he was giving serious consideration to blowing the town where Garrido lived to hell and back with a huge fuck-off bolt of lightning. Because it's a haven for paedophiles.
"It would also illustrate to Kim Jong Il and the North Korean nutjobs who the real 'Daddy' is."
Monsignor Francois DuBois SJ then readjusted his garter belt and offered to sell the press some 'exclusive' photographs of an intimate nature.
At which point we made our excuses and left...
More as we get it.