Written by Andy Lam
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Topics: America, Medical

Friday, 30 July 2004

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New and nude - an inconsiderate start to life

Presque Isle, ME - If any more evidence of America's moral decay were needed, it came at 4:17 yesterday afternoon. In a delivery room at the Aroostook Medical Center, Dr. Joyce Hebert brought a healthy 7.7 lbs. baby boy into this world; but imagine her shock when she realized that the baby was totally nude.

"As a physician, I've seen plenty of unpleasant and odd-ball sights," said Dr. Hebert, "but this was just too much. The depravity of it all, where will it end, I ask you, where will it end?"

One of the nurses attending the birth, Brenda McChesny, confirmed that the baby boy, whose name is Aaron Boone Jr., was indeed born without a single thread of clothing on his frail little body. "It was shocking," said nurse McChesney, "you see, when babies are born, they're just wee little things and they need every once of protection we can offer. To bring one into the world without so much as a tiny frock, it just boggles the mind."

The child's parents Aaron (who is a member of the Cleveland Indians Baseball team) and Debbie (no relation to the famed singer) Boone seemed puzzled by the reaction of the hospital staff. "We're here while Aaron recuperates from his knee surgery," said Debbie, "and when my waters broke the day before yesterday, we came here since it is the only hospital around."

The Boone's, for whom this is their first child, were under the impression that all babies were born naked. "I thought that was where the term ‘birthday suit' came from," said Aaron Senior. Dr. Hebert soon disabused them of this notion.

"That might be the way things go in swinging towns like Cleveland," said Hebert, "but up here, we still have a sense of modesty and morals. Nudity is not something to be proud of, and the body is not to be flaunted about in this crass way."

When asked how they might have avoided this embarrassing state of affairs, the Boone's were referred to Missy Copeland, a legend in this part of Maine. Missy Copeland is one of the few prenatal seamstresses left in America. Hers is an ancient art practiced by hyper-modest cultures around the world. Because of the rigors of Maine's winters, and the traditional values held by people in the state, Missy has thrived in the Presque Isle area.

"Business is good," said Copeland, "but not as good as it used to be. Lots of folks are taking the drive downstate to Augusta, or even Portland, to have their babies these days. I can't say why but if you find out, let me know, all that driving is bad for my business."

Copeland was unwilling to explain how she is able to dress children in their mother's wombs, but rumors abound of witchcraft being employed.

Dr. Hebert doesn't much care how it is done, but begs families to spare their children the embarrassment of a naked birth. "They say you only get one chance to make a first impression," pointed out Hebert, "and for this little guy, the impression was not good."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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