Reporters over here in my London office were dumbfounded when the office received a call from none other than Phillip Garrido, the weirdo freak pervert who kidnapped Jaycee Lee Dugard 18 years ago when she was just 11 years old.
Before his arrest, Garrido held Jaycee Lee captive for 18 years in a backyard compound, and fathered two little girls by his unfortunate victim.
Upon receiving the call, I called for quiet, in what is a generally unruly office full of drunks and assorted nut-jobs aspiring to be credible reporters. Once silence was attained, I put the call on open speaker.
Hardened reporters recoiled in horror as, after I gave him the 'go ahead', Garrido outlined his plans for selling his story to Skoob1999 news.
"It's a sensational story," Garrido said from prison. "All the bad stuff stopped a long time ago. I just want somebody to lend a syppathetic ear to my story, about how I found God in a box. And stuff like that..."
"You found God in a box?" I gasped audibly.
"Yes I did," Garrido went on. "And God cured me of all my ills and he used to speak to me from the box. And I've been a God fearing man ever since. I'll sell you the exclusive for two hunnert (sic) fifty thousand dollar (sic)"
At which point, one reporter burst out laughing.
"What's up? Who's laughing?" Garrido asked.
To which Nick Fun replied aloud:
"You think you have a chance of us getting to pay you anything? You really are fucking deluded mate. Stick to talking to the box."
A second reporter added disdainfully:
"Hasta later. Asshole."
Then as a third writer shouted:
"Me da would never live in a box, ya feckin' eejit freak! Feck off!"
The situation descended into chaos as more Spoof writers sounded off at Phillip Garrido, calling him a dictionary's worth of expletives, before he finally hung up.
No deal was struck to the best of our knowledge and I remain the world leader in bringing you lies, more lies, and then even bigger whoppers, followed by absolute bullshit.
And occasionally some swearing.
More as I get it.