In an effort to make manual breast exams more accessible to American women, the Obama administration today announced a new addition to the Democrats' proposed national health care plan - the Breast Offensive National Exam Resource, or BONER.
As explained by interim Senator Mitt Titmann (D-Mass), the BONER program seeks to utilize qualified male volunteers to manually examine womens' breasts. "We simply cannot depend on the mammogram alone as a diagnostic tool," said Titmann. "The BONER program embraces a hands-on approach that will be a real lift, to examiner and examinee alike."
While details of the program were sketchy, it has been learned that women will have to provide consent to be examined (a verbal "Oh, YES!" can suffice), the exam must take place in a private place such as an alleyway or back seat of a car and must be video-documented, and all participating men will be strictly unpaid for the service. "The unfettered kneading and pinching of strange womens' breasts and nipples should be payment enough for the volunteers," Titmann noted.
Interested men may download program information and an enrollment form from the government website www.boobhold.gov. If you cannot enter the website, wait several weeks and try again.