ELDON IA - Mothers here are condemning local guinea pigs for killing thousands of kids. Organized packs of guinea pigs reportedly attacked Eldon, killing nearly 3,160 children, more than Eldon even has. Most of the victims were chewed beyond recognition.
The pack of pigs was last seen headed South to St. Louis, along the river. Police sharpshooters are attacking the pigs, but because they are so small, they are hard to hit.
Speculation abounds as to why the escaped guinea pigs converged on Eldon, pushing herds of hapless children in front of them as they converged there. The guinea pigs lured the children with tails of streets paved with gold. In reality, Eldon has seen bettor times. Food additives are being closely scrutinized, especially aspartame, recently added to guinea pig pellets in large amounts in the region.
Citizens are warned to stay indoors. The best defense against the little pigs are fully automatic shotguns with bird shot.