WALPOLE, Massachusetts - The dean of Tucks College in Walpole has just passed a college directive which bans students of Tucks College from engaging in sex in the back seat of a vehicle (i.e. cars, trucks, taxi's, and SUVs).
Dean Parlando Hickenlooper said that he has decided to enact this backseat sex regulation, known as Tucks College BSS-177F, because of a tremendous amount of complaints from the residents who's homes border the Tucks campus.
Dean Hickenlooper sighted two particular instances. One was reported by Lilibeth Riverpool, who said that she was outside at about 4 p.m. watering her prized petunias when she noticed a red 1997 Ford Crown Victoria parked on the college campus across from her house.
She said that she could tell that there was something oddly strange going on in the backseat. She said that her view was somewhat obstructed by the afternoon sun.
Miss Riverpool, who is 83, and has never been married, said that she went inside her house and returned with a pair of binoculars.
She said that as soon as she focused on the car she could clearly see that it was a male and female in the backseat and they were engaging in, as she put it, a 'very private bodily act.'
She said that she became concerned for the females safety because the way she was screaming, hollering, and moaning one would have thought that she was having her knees squeezed in an industrial vise or something.
Dean Hickenlooper said that the second complaint was filed by Agathina Pampanini, 91, who said that the noise coming from the backseat of a late model purple Kia Spectra was so loud that it was scaring the hell out of her egg-laying hens
In fact Agathina disclosed that due to the traumatic experience every one of her 14 hens has stopped laying eggs.
Dean Hickenlooper says that he does not care what members of his student body do in the privacy of their dormitory rooms, but he has strictly forbidden the engaging of sexual activity, imagined or otherwise, in any vehicle's backseat parked on the Tucks College campus.
He said that any violators will have their names, ages, addresses, as well as the names, ages, and addresses of their parents entered into a new column entitled, The Weekly Tuck's College Backseat Frolickers Listing which will appear in the weekly college newspaper Tucks Tales.
SIDENOTE: Dean Hickenlooper said that any backseat violators will receive three written warnings and one verbal warning. After that the student will be permanently expelled from the college and he or she will forfeit their $19 parking deposit as well as their $7 library use fee.