WASHINGTON DC - Granny get your best dress on. This is your big night out, maybe your last night out. The new healthcare plan now includes a speedy test for cancer, and summary judgment for old folks who have a terminal case of it.
According to page, Iceney Uttbey, who read the plan while he made copies, the plan provides for a ten minute cancer test that can be performed in a large tank in the doctor's office, or a clinic.
First, granny is tied to a chair with ropes. Then, the chair is lowered into a solution of water and aspartame, to avoid the UN tax on non-aspartamed drinks.
Granny is fully submerged for ten minutes. If granny survives this test, then it means she has terminal cancer and must die per the healthcare plan. This will normally happen naturally since enough aspartame is absorbed by the dunking to kill granny in a few days.
If granny does not survive, it means she did not have cancer. It is so noted on her death certificate which lists cause of death as accidental drowning while drinking a diet beverage.