Washington DC-- Michelle Obama is putting the White House staff in full panic mode because of her startling weight gain in recent weeks. The First Lady has ballooned into a hippopotamus-sized freak almost overnight. Photo shoots and TV shows have all been cancelled because of her rotund appearance. The 'rock-star arms' now look like bloated sausages and her backside can be seen from space.
The First Lady is still on a vegan diet, but consumes incredible quantities of organic Tuscan onions. The White House staff serves Michelle about 500 pounds of onions per day. They strap on a feed bag to her mouth like a horse and she just munches away with her enormous jaws. The stench around her is unbelievable.
Michelle's weight troubles began when her husband's poll numbers started to drop. It's a stressful life in Washington too, and munching on lots of onions can be very relaxing for bovines and other hoofed animals.
The White House staff hopes Michelle is back to a normal diet by the Winter. Many servants have fainted from her odor, and many others have quit. All the toilets in the White House have exploded too, and it is becoming difficult for anyone to live there.