Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 23 September 2009

image for Macy "Bleep-Bleep" Gray Drives The Dancing With The Stars Censors Crazy
Macy Gray's backup band, The Gray Strays.

HOLLYWOOD - The raspy-voiced neo soul singer Macy Gray only managed to score 15 points out of a possible 30 on the Ladies Night version of Dancing With The Stars.

And although she may not capture the coveted "Mirror Ball Trophy" she will certainly capture the "Bleep-Bleep" title.

ABC censors had to put down their tuna melt sandwiches and their bottles of Evian when the camera turned to foul-mouthed Macy, who disclosed that she was indeed named after the New York City department store (minus the s).

Macy also pointed out that she has a sister named Saks Fifth Avenue Gray and a brother named Bloomingdale Gray (minus the s).

Ms. Gray, who stands 6 foot 3, weighs 210, and who could easily knock down an NFL linebacker with very little effort laughs and says that her mother was a shopaholic.

At times Macy was very hard to understand, and other times she was impossible to understand. It was reported that the two ABC censors who were covering the DWTS Show both went home entirely worn out.

One of the censors, Lars Acushnet, remarked that in the foul-language category Macy could definitely give Washington state lumberjacks a run for their money.

Acushnet said that backstage, off camera, Gray uttered more curse words in 15 minutes then Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, and Ozzy Osbourne combined have ever uttered.

Gray's professional partner Jonathan Roberts (no relation to Julia or Mister) told her that she really had to try and somehow find a way to act like a lady and stop all of her incessant cussing and cursing.

Macy looked at him and said that it's just the effen way that she talks and that she has always effen talked like that even when she was a little bitty effen toddler back in effen Ohio.

Host Tom Bergeron was asked about Macy's potty-mouth and he replied that if he had a nickel for every curse word she has spewed in just the past two days alone, he would already have about 900 nickels.

British judge Len Goodman, who is one horrendously grouchy son-of-a-bitch said that British women do not use the uneducated, vulgarian language that Ms. Gray employs.

Macy replied that one she attended Ohio public schools so she is educated, two she has never even been to Bulgaria, and three she can kick Len's 93-year-old ass all the way from Hollywood to London and still have time to sit down and have a sweet and sour chicken dinner with Carrie Ann Inaba.

Italian judge Bruno Tonioli remarked that women in Italy do not use the nasty vile language that Gray uses. Macy went up to Bruno, she got in his face, and said "Look here you Italian version of Elton John, I has been to Italy and I has heard some of dems Italian ho's talk and they use effen words like [SEVEN EXPLETIVES DELETED BY EDITOR].

After the show LaToya Jackson went backstage and had a nice long talk with Macy. The soft-spoken sister of Michael Jackson told Macy that she felt that she needs to make a concerted effort to tone down her ridiculously out-of-line cussing and try to act more like a lady instead of like some New York City construction worker.

Macy reached over and gently took LaToya's hand, smiled, and said, "LaTisha, get the F out of my effen face you Peter Pan-lookin' Oreo Cookie effen beeach."

LaToya turned around and ran to her car, knocking down Carrie Ann and Len in the process.

In other news. Former Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld was spotted at a Wendy's in Duluth, Minnesota mumbling to himself something about the damn weapons of mass destruction actually being in Iceland and not Iraq.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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