Utah University - A leaf smeared with smelly brown goo that was recently found in an area of Yellowstone National Park infamous for Bigfoot sightings has been through a preliminary analysis. The results? The goo doo is definitely from a primate.
According to one news source, "Our first test was an ordinary touch test, at which time it was ascertained that the goo felt just like [feces]. Our next test was the olfactory test, during which the test subject was heard to complain that the sample did, indeed, smell like [fecal matter]."
With those basic tests completed, the investigators performed a complete battery of tests, including a compositional analysis during which bits of what appeared to be corn were found in the specimen.
In the end, all of the tests performed indicate that the specimen is from an apelike creature which consists on a mixed diet of meat and grain, and tubers. For now, that is all the researchers are able to disclose, but the piece of [dung] has been shipped to a test facility in the Bahamas where it will be carbon dated and run through a stream of genetic tests.
Doug E., the man who found the sample, was available for comments. "For such a small bit of [poop], this is turning out to be historic! They sent the sample off to a B.I.G. S.H.I.T. (Bureaucratic Institute Governing Society's Highly Intellectual Theories) center, and now the world is going to find out exactly what Bigfoot is made of! If only I hadn't picked up a case of chiggers while we were out there, everything would be great!"