WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Executive Assistant Senior Director of Homefield Security Shirley Baskethandle, who is a male, but who just happens to have a girl's first name, has issued a type 7 terrorist warning to take effect at 12:42 am, Monday, Sept. 28, 2009, which coincidentally just happens to be National Breast Appreciation Day.
Shirley Baskethandle, 43, said that Tucker Takazuki Jr., an undercover half Native American Indian, half Japanese HS agent informed him that he had gotten some rather informative information from a highly informed counter-information informant.
Baskethandle, who has a major in Indonesian Informational Info from Indiana University, confessed that he is taking this information with a completely filled salt shaker.
He added that they have checked the biographical info of the highly reputable informant Infozali Moostafooki, 30; aka Ahmad Cha Cha Cha, 31; aka Sa-eed Humparumpa, 28; aka Ricky Sha Na Na, 29, (no relation to Nancy Sha Na Na, 24, the famous Paramus, New Jersey pole dancer originally from Warsaw).
Shirl Baskethandle, as his little 8-year-old daughter Joaquin calls him, holds the indoor/outdoor watermelon seed spitting record of Vermont.
Baskethandle emailed Vice-President Joe Biden and informed him that Mr. Moostafooki, no relation to NFL great defensive tackle Jorge Moostafooki, has concrete-proof evidence that a Taliban cell has been operating on the campus of the Air Force Academy located in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Moostafooki has cell phone photos which clearly show the Taliban operatives with Pikes Peak in the background. Other photos show three Taliban members having what appears to be a wienie roast at the famed Garden of the Gods.
Colorado Springs police reported to Vice-President Joe Biden that a tourist visiting Colorado Springs from Cancun, Mexico had found a Manila envelope that had blueprint photographs of three football stadiums.
The three stadiums included King Elvis Presley Stadium in Memphis home of The Memphis State Johnny Rebs, The Lake Michigan Dome, home of The Kenosha Tech Ice Pirates, and The President Billy Clinton Stadium in Little Rock, Arkansas, where the Arkansas A&M Alligators play their home games.
The CSPD said that the three blueprints each had little yellow Post-It Notes attached to them showing information like the price of hot dogs, cotton candy, and Skittles at each of the three stadiums.
Other Post-It's included the private cell phones numbers of well-known individuals such as former secretary of state Condoleezza Rice, Los Angeles Dodgers super star Manny Ramirez, Two and A Half Men star Charlie Sheen, and recent America's Got Talent winner Kevin Skinner.
Moostafooki, as he sometimes likes to refer to himself, said that he interviewed a local Colorado Springs resident named Edna November who owns and manages a local Whataburger Restaurant.
Mrs. November told him that a few weeks ago she had four very suspicious looking gentlemen come into her eating establishment.
Edna, who is one of the biggest John Lennon fans in the entire state, was asked what made them suspicious looking.
She replied that for openers the four drove up on two camels. That right there, Edna observed was quite an attention-getter in itself.
When she was asked one hump or two, she thought for a moment and then replied that the shorter camel was a standard one humper and the taller camel was a standard two humper.
She was asked what other qualities or features grabbed her attention. She said that all four were dressed in what she can best describe as Sahara desert-type outfits.
Edna who is also an avid San Antonio Spurs fan was asked if by that she meant brownish in color and she answered no that she meant that they had that vile, putrid, obnoxious sand crab smell to them.
She paused for a moment taking a bite out of her Whataburger Jr., and then informed Mr.Moostafooki that other than the extremely prevalent camel smell three of the individuals also smelled a little bit like rotten sand.
She said that when they left, one of her employees observed that they had left about half a pound of sand underneath their table.
Mrs. November said that one of her employees Allison Nascaroni said that she heard one of the men singing an old Tommy Sands tune.
Alliso, as her husband Sean calls her, added that one of the men, the tallest one who had a tattoo on his forehead that read, "Iraq Rocks" asked her if she knew of any football stadiums nearby that had palm trees in the front big enough for one to hide say a football, or perhaps a small DVD player.
She told him that the only local stadium that she knew of was Cheyenne Mountain Jr. College's Tons of Snow Stadium which has pine trees and Aspen trees but no palm trees.
A, as her mom calls her said that the man became so happy that a drop of slobber fell out of his mouth and onto his Justaburger, a smaller version of the Whataburger Jr., which is a smaller version of the regular Whataburger.
Edna said that as soon as the men left she immediately called the Colorado Springs Police Department. She says that when they arrived they immediately asked her if she had jotted down their license plate numbers.
Edna looked at them with a total look of puzzlement and remarked, "License plate numbers? Ah...they were riding camels duh."
They then asked what color? And she replied that one was sandy colored and the other one wasn't. One of the officers asked her if there was any other bit of information that she could pass on to them.
Edna thought for a few seconds and said that she did have one more piece of information. One of the officers asked "What is it?" And Edna replied that it's knowledge that is communicated or received which concerns a particular fact or circumstance.
"Ah...I meant what is the information?" She replied that she just happened to notice on the surveillance camera that they have installed directly overlooking the urinal in the bathroom that the smaller of the four was wearing a T-Shirt that read, "Property of The Taliban, if found please mail to Box 9, Kabul, Afghanistan."
In other news. Ryan Seacrest reported on his Los Angeles radio show that fired American Idol judge Paula Abdul has just received her first unemployment check. Ryan asked her how much it was for and Paula told him that it was none of his business. Ryan said fine and that he would just call up Larry King and ask him.