Written by Paris Silton
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Tuesday, 22 September 2009

image for CNN Replaces Wolf Blitzer With a Bozo the Clown Bop Bag
This clown might have had the job had he been inanimate

New York, New York - After Wolf Blitzer's dismal showing on Thursday's edition of Celebrity Jeopardy, CNN has decided to replace him with a Bozo the Clown Bop Bag.

Simon Legree, Human Resources Director for Turner Broadcasting System, has confirmed the swap. "At this point, we're pretty sure no one'll notice the difference. After all, the guy pretty much proved he has sand for brains. The only difference, really, is that Bozo™ here has his sand in the base."

"And at forty-six inches," he continued, "the Bozo Bop Bag stands nearly as tall as Blitz. The guys in Graphics came up with this great idea to get some silver spray paint to cover the red hair coming out the sides."

Legree added, "Besides, with what we were paying Blitz, at $15.29 plus shipping, we could buy a shitload of these things and still be way out on top."

In fact, The Situation Room has repurposed a few of its news interns to replace battered Bop Bags with freshly-filled new ones -- a chore that is affectionately dubbed "Blowing Bozo". Reportedly, the Bop Bags are taking inordinate abuse from Blitzer's former colleagues, who are squeezing the Clown's "Squeaky 3D Nose" and bopping the "Bop Zone Target" so much that the sand is leaking out of the bases and the "Durable Vinyl Construction" is giving at the seams.

"We're cool with that", said Legree, unconcerned. "In fact, it's therapeutic for them, so we get to write it off as a "Morale Fund" expense, kind of like the aromatherapy candles we have in all the elevators."

In a new development, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is calling CNN's move a violation under section SS-4.58343, which prohibits replacing more than 45% of employees in publicly owned corporations with inanimate objects.

"We can't be too careful," said EEOC spokesman Tom Thurmond. "With Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer dominating top TV news positions, we have an obligation to protect the visibility of the white male anchor."

Meanwhile, Turner Broadcasting System lawyers are preparing a two-point defense against the Commission, arguing that the Bozo the Clown Bop Bag is not an inanimate object, given its ability to tip over and bounce right back up. "In addition," said TBS attorney Bob Bloviate, "Bozo™ happens to be THE white male archetype. That alone, my friends," he said, pointing his finger at the reporters, "is airtight."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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