GLASGOW, Scotland - The director of the Scottish People's Anti-Vandalism League Glenbuck Dumfries has stated that acts of vandalism involving graffiti have now reached epidemic proportions.
He pointed out that vandals are spray painting schools, buildings, vehicles, kilt factories, and in one instance a retired 101-year-old Scottish whiskey taster Mary Marie McMac.
He stated that last week in Edinburgh someone vandalized the statue of Tayburn Butterstone, the inventor of the Scottish kilt. The 30-foot statue dressed in a copper kilt has stood in Flora Highlands Square since March 17, 1955.
Mr. Dumfries stated that the only damage that the statue had ever seen was of course the obligatory pigeon droppings that all statues, whether they be located in Shanghai, China, or Milwaukee, Wisconsin will experience.
Dumfries pointed out that the daily bombardment from damn pigeons, who do not give a tinker's damn where they deposit their pigeon shit, had gotten to be acceptable, in the sense that there was nothing that anyone could actually do about it.
He added that in 2006, the mayor of Edinburgh, Sterling McInverness became so fed up with the daily assault by the pigeon population of Flora Highlands Square that he decided that he would buy a rifle and personally shoot the little buggers.
Within one week Mayor McInverness had managed to shoot about 3,415 pigeons. On the downside he also completely destroyed 14 of the town's most beloved statues.
Some of these statues included some of Scotland's most famous citizens such as Captain Kidd the pirate; Gordon Ramsay, the celebrity chef; Mungo Park, the famed explorer; race car driver Dario Franchitti; and Scott Paper Towel heiress Marie Mary McDuffnuff.
Mayor McInverness' heart was in the right place and he did mean well but in the process he sure did manage to knock the hell out of the city's statue population.
The Edinburgh city council ended up having to borrow some statues from nearby Duddingston, Bonnyrigg, and Inchkeith.
Needless to say Mayor McInverness was soundly defeated in the next mayoral election by a vote of 19,903 to 2.
Glenbuck Dunfries said that he read on the Internet about a retired Texas sheriff living in Texarkana, Texas who was responsible for ridding the city of Lake Charles, Louisiana of the Ku Klux Klan element.
He read that Sheriff Rufus "Bullet Breath" Bitterpill with the aid of two retired deputies Billy Bobby Tickertocker and Bobby Billy Burkbucker had also done the same thing with some Black Panthers in Fayetteville, Arkansas; some Green Peacers in Spokane, Washington; and some Red Sox fans in New York City.
Dunfries emailed the retired Texarkana sheriff and he is glad to say that Sheriff Bitterpill and Deputies Tickertocker and Burkbucker will be flying into Edinburgh after they attend The Annual Texarkana Founders Day Parade and Bobcat Denutting Championship.
Sheriff Bitterpill assured Dunfries that he will rid the town of graffiti-crazed vandals within three days. The sheriff added that it may not be a pretty sight, but that he and his two deputies will put an end to this rampant graffiti vandalism real pronto (fast).
Rufus Bitterpill, who in 1999, was named The Meanest Sheriff in Texas, by The Texas Peace Officers Fraternity said that he will gather up all of the damn graffitiers and take them back to Texas where they will then be introduced to Sparky.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Sparky is the name of the Texas Prison Department of Corrections electric chair, which still works real good.]
SIDENOTE: Sheriff Rufus Bitterpill made nationwide headlines in the United States two years ago when he appeared on the network game show Wheel of Fortune. It seems that show host Alex Trebek made some kind of disparaging remark about Sheriff Bitterpill's accent and the sheriff took out his Colt 45 pistol and shot three holes in Alex Trebek's damn little old fortune wheel