Written by Paris Silton
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Sunday, 20 September 2009

image for Wolf Blitzer Weighs In on His Devastating Loss at Celebrity Jeopardy
Wolf Blitzer admits that fence posts are no smarter than he is

New York, New York - CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer is saying "It's my turn!" after fielding a blitz of media and internet mockery following his humiliating last-place finish on Thursday's edition of Celebrity Jeopardy.

Blitzer lost Double Jeopardy with a score of -$4,600 to comedian Andy Richter, with actress Dana Delaney coming in at an impressive second.

The white-haired, bearded host of "The Situation Room" finally had his say in an impromptu rant to reporters, who had been camping outside of his Upper West Side apartment building since the news spread of his less-than-stellar showing.

"I don't know what everybody's carping about," he said. "I never said I was the reincarnation of Walter Cronkite. Hell, I never even finished high school!"

Blitzer continued, wiping sweat from his brow, "Look, the only requirement for this job was that I could read the teleprompter, okay? I'm no rocket scientist, never have been. In fact, I'm dumb as a fence post! I'm like an actor, get it? Well, I mean a male actor, like Brad Pitt or Charlie Sheen. The women - they're much smarter. All I'm supposed to do is say what they tell me to say.

CNN - when they hired me -- they wanted another white-haired guy to give Anderson Cooper a run for his money. Who knew that pretty boy would have a brain? Now, he's intelligent! But that's about it in this industry. FOX made sure of that. 'Pundits' made sure of that. Where did they come up with that word anyway? Should be 'putzes'.

Look, isn't it enough to have a smart president for a change? Why is everybody picking on me? What am I, the new George Bush?

Besides, it's common knowledge that the only intelligent guys on TV, besides that guy Anderson Cooper, are the comedians. You want smarts, watch Jon Stewart or the Colbert Report. Watch anything that Tina Fey has anything to do with. Or tune in to the dude that won, Andy Richter, that guy on the Jay Leno - no - Conan O'Brien show."

Bitzer finished, "That's all I have to say," and disappeared down the foyer of his building.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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