In news breaking from Washington, U.S President George W. Bush has announced the death of Capital Punishment. Addressing the nation on all major networks, he confirmed that it was his long held belief, that the death penalty does not reduce crime.
"Enjoyable as it may be, and let's not kid ourselves many's the enjoyable Sunday afternoon we've all passed watching thugs get theirs, and as depressing as it may be, it's now time to move on!"
In answer to the New York Times Thomas L Friedman's query on an alternative, he said : "Well I've given this a lot of thought and come up with the following. Where the punishment should exceed LIFE, I have instructed all States to include Life plus Bill".
The President explained that this referred to former president Bill Clinton after which it was named. "What this is my fellow Americans, is life imprisonment plus having an insuferable bore visit your cell daily and waffle on about the time he cornered Ms Lewinski and the like. Life plus Bill will be like serving eternity in jail".
Richard Cohen of the Washington Post asked whether this was a new scheme or had application elsewhere. "It's brand new but I can confirm that Prime Minister Blair is also bringing it in. They are of course fortunate to have people like George Galloway, Robert Fisk, John Pilger and Robert Kilroy Silk to visit their Life plus Bill prisoners".
Ralph Peters of the New York Post requested details on the reaction of human rights activists to the new measures. "At first they were thrilled at this new humane approach being adopted by the administration. Then one of them got locked in the toilets with Michael Moore for an hour and threatened to fight it with every breath left in his body."
We asked Donald Rumsfeld his thoughts on Life plus Bill. : "Hell, I'm not sure about this one. There's known knowns, unknown knowns and of course unknown unknowns. I would rather have a prison which includes the highlights of Camp X-ray, Abu Ghraib and a goodly amount of some Mexican hell-hole. Either that or forced attendance at Maria Carey concerts. Either would do me."