Vatican officials have confirmed a man in East Lansing, Michigan crapped out his soul while straining too hard on a commode yesterday.
Two priests and a plumber were brought in by the local diocese to help the man, but the whereabouts of the soul remains a mystery.
Reportedly, after holy water was added to the toilet in an attempt to "cleanse" the plumbing, persistent stains in the porcelain disappeared, which the priests call a miracle.
Later, the plumber was rushed to a local psychiatric hospital after complaining of being hungry subsequent to the ordeal, which those in attendance called "crazy."
The soulless victim, a 56-year-old man, was found to be "1,000% Caucasian" by the priests. To recover, he was ordered to go on a strict diet of nothing but country fried okra, butter beans with hambones, tongue espagnole, chitterlings, and Red Velvet Cake. And plenty of laxatives.
He is expected to recover completely if he follows this diet and listens to "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green, "Sincerely" by The Moonglows, and "Drown In My Own Tears" by Ray Charles, over and over again.