New York, NY-- The drug chocolate is now a controlled substance. Possession of this narcotic carries a five-year jail term. The revolting, brown-coloured drug has caused the death of millions and must be either destroyed or controlled before the evil alkaloid does any more damage to society!
Chocolate is a known narcotic. Ingestion of small amounts results in mild euphoria and tranquillity. Ingestion of large amounts has the opposite effect; thanks to the chocolate beans high concentration of caffeine. Chocolate is highly additive, most everyone has a mild to severe attachment to the devilish drug. Women seem more affected by the bean's evil ways then men, for some unknown reason.
Chocolate has wormed its way into the food supply over the centuries. The feces-coloured bean has infected cakes. candies, coffee and even ice-cream. Children are usually the first victims of this malevolent menace.
Chocolate has a sordid, scarlet history. The Aztec were infatuated with the turd-shaped beans and used the drug in their hideous human-sacrifices. The Swiss immediately cornered the chocolate supplies, after the New World was discovered, and used the bean to infiltrate every corner of the world with their Evil Empire.
Chocolate withdrawal centers have been opened across the country. Withdrawal usually involves headaches, lethargy and severe nightmares and can take up to six-months. Once the evil chocolate is purged, obesity levels are expected to drop over 50%.