BOSTON, Mass. -- Teddy Kennedy couldn't wait. He pushed aside five guards and three Democrat Party officials and gave his major speech at the Democratic National Convention hours early.
"He was on edge," said a Kennedy spokesperson, "and he didn't want to wait for prime time. He became violent with his staff as well, punching two of us gals in the nose and striking three younger fellows who dyed their hair white in homage to the great old senator."
None of the staff members said they would press charges, but the guards at the Boston arena where the DNC is being held felt differently.
"He knocked me over when I told him he couldn't go on yet," said Lester Stilapokolips, one of the arena guards. "He stomped on my feet and called me nasty names and pushed me to the ground. I may sue him for a lot of money because I am now going through anxiety and will soon have a sleeping disorder from the event."
Another guard, Edward Stavenhaven, said, "That old fat Irish ass**** bit my knee. My knee! I called my lawyer and he said, 'Your knee?' and I told him, 'My knee!'"
Kennedy got to the stage before the next scheduled speaker and began to speak.
"There is no one else but John Kerry can be President," he told the crowd. "My brothers were all shot dead because they had the same idea. But Kerry has been shot at already so we don't have to worry about assasination."
A stunned crowd became silent and listened as Kennedy went on to say, "Someday he will be fat and craving whiskey like me, for sure, but that day won't come before he has fixed this country by replacing Bush.
"I deplore Bush. I hate his every expression, the way he walks and talks. We need to get rid of him, send him back to his daddy's lap.
"I know you are all thinking that if it weren't for my daddy where would us Kennedy kids be. But I say this--two of us would probably be alive today. Jack and Bobby, I mean. Great guys, but they never liked me. Hell, until they died no one even noticed me.
"But I am here now and now we need Kerry because I can't run and this is the closest I get any more. So let's get the vote out and give it all to Kerry."
Exhausted, Senator Kennedy took a deep breath and walked off stage. He was later found at a downtown Boston bar playing darts with a man who repeatedly said to him, "You were always my favorite of the brothers."