TAOS, New Mexico - In response to the upcoming National Breast Appreciation Day festivities, Julia Roberts has announced an alternative celebration at her 112-acre spread in Taos, New Mexico.
"I want to make sure all women are fairly represented this September 28," said Roberts, "So, I've created the Sundance Breast Festival. Of course, anyone can come, but I'm sure most Breast Appreciation Day event promoters have already snatched up, you know, Scarlett Johansson, Salma Hayak, Pamela Anderson, and so on. I guess you could say the SBF is for the rest of us."
The gala event will feature actresses blessed with A- and B-cups who have been subsequently relegated primarily to indie films, though B-cupped A-lister Kate Winslet will top the list of attending celebrities.
At the age of 22, Winslet became the first actress with small-to-medium sized breasts to receive two Oscar nominations; at age 33, she was the first mammarily challenged actress to receive six nominations. In 2009, she was hailed as "the most gifted film actress of her generation," despite being not particularly gifted in the chest department.
Catherine Keener, a close friend of both Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, will also be on hand. She met the two while filming a movie, but her pathetic cleavage never allowed her to attain their mega-celebrity status.
Former fashion model Chloe Sevigny plans to use the event to promote her new line of unisex clothing suitable for both men and women with flat chests.
Sources have been unable to confirm whether or not Parker Posey's tiny nubs will be at the festivities. Posey is something of a legend; widely regarded as "Queen of the Indies," she has graced more than thirty independent films with her barely sufficient cleavage.
Julia Roberts recently purchased 32 acres of land, adjacent to her own 80 acres, from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (for an undisclosed amount of liberal money) in preparation for the Sundance Breast Festival.
When informed why the purchase had been made, an excited Rumsfeld indicated that, if it was up to him, the indie queens wouldn't have to wait until September 28 to celebrate.
"I'd have them up on stage today, if I could!" he said. "Preferably, without adequate body covering!"