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Friday, 18 September 2009

image for Rising Ocean Levels Tied to Redbox Growth

Scientists have known for the past few years that ocean levels on the Atlantic seaboard are rising at rates unseen during the past two millennia. Until last week, however, scientists were unable to pin this alarming phenomenon on any one causative factor. Now, one scientist at the University of Western Florida believes he has identified the culprit.

"From the data, we knew this was a recent phenomenon," says UWF professor of geological sciences Rocky Montana. "But it wasn't until I was renting a movie the other night that I realized the answer was, quite literally, in front of my nose."

It so happened that Montana was renting a movie from a Redbox kiosk, which have proliferated not only in Montana's home state of Florida over the past few years, but up and down the entirety of the Eastern seaboard. Aware from recent press coverage that Redbox kiosks were threatening the livelihood of everything from Hollywood studios to Hollywood plumbers, Montana had an epiphany. Returning to his office, he overlaid a graph depicting the rise in sea levels on a chart detailing Redbox kiosk installations over the past few years.

The results were astounding.

"There was a direct correlation between rising sea levels and kiosk installations up and down the eastern seaboard," says Montana. Indeed, the data flipped the presumption that sea levels are rising on its head. "Sea levels aren't rising," reports Montana, "they're actually stable. Instead, the entire Eastern seaboard is sinking due to the combined weight of the kiosks."

A shocking conclusion? Initially, Montana thought so too. So he analyzed the placement and weight of the kiosks and, again, the results were indisputable. "Redbox kiosks are heavily tilting the North American continent toward the Atlantic Ocean. As a result, the Eastern seaboard has sunk by several centimeters."

Would installing an equal number of kiosks on the Pacific coast help achieve equilibrium? "Perhaps," predicts Montana. "However, there is an equal chance that the weight of the kiosks on each coast would cause a giant crack along the Continental Divide."

Montana's startling conclusions are spawning further studies. "Each kiosk contains several carousels. It's my theory that these tens of thousands of carousels, all whirring around at once, create a kind of vortex which acts like a Bermuda Triangle. Who knows, we just might find all of our missing socks at the bottom of a kiosk."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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