Atlanta, Georgia - Embattled singer Kanye West will never die - ever. The world's number one egomaniac has split his soul into a million pieces.
Lord Voldemort is the only other person known to have achieved this feet. An advanced understanding of magic is needed in order to divide one's soul. When asked about his training West or He-Who-Must-Be-Named said, "I am a master of the darkest of dark arts." West paused and took out his electronic voice machine. He added - in a voice reminiscent of a dial up modem before it starts making that weird static noise -"who else you know got this skill?"
West says he put his little pieces of torn soul into different Horcruxes. A Horcrux acts as a container for the soul thereby allowing its owner to return from the dead. Creating a Horcrux is a complicated process and typically involves murder. West says this isn't a problem, "I'm a killa' dresser, a killa' singer, a killa' lover, a killa' businessman, a killa' friend, a killa' dodge ball player, a killa' eater of vanilla ice cream, a killa' dancer, a killa' walker, a killa' reader, a killa' gum chewer - I guess you could say I'm a killa' everything. I'm a serial killa."
Renowned wizard and expert Horcrux finder Harry Potter has been asked to track down West's Horcruxes. "I've already destroyed a few," said Potter. The Boy Who Lived said Kanye hid part of his soul in a pair of sunglasses, a picture of himself and Beyonce's 'Put a Ring on it' video. "Now I see why he thought it was one of the greatest videos of all time," said Potter.
While there have been early successes Potter maintains people shouldn't be too optimistic. "A million Horcruxes is a lot. Kanye West will be around for a long time, in fact he may never go away."