Faced with mounting evidence that ACORN employees all over the country have been using their positions to further tax evasion, smuggling, child slavery, encouraging prostitution rings, and not turning off the lights when leaving the room, the executives of the company have been difficult to approach.
Late yesterday, contact was finally made when a reporter cornered Mervin Connell in a 30th floor elevator. When he realized that there wasn't any escape, Mr. Connell was quoted as saying, "NUTS!"
In lieu of any further comments from the executive, many reporters have simply attributed various vague statements, such as "Don't you love the American way?" and "Never mind the numerous federal crimes our people are guilty of, let's sue those other people for taping us illegally!"
Sources close to the exit door have been quoted as saying that ACORN plans to throw in the dreaded race card next week, claiming that the illegal activities are a cultural phenomenon as minority employees handle business in the way they have always done it. One source went on to suggest that ACORN may even get increased funding from the government with the race card.
Another source reported that inter-office memos are flying, most of them cautioning against helping prostitutes unless the employee has actually witnessed a trick being turned. "We think of it as community involvement," he said.