EAST LOS ANGELES - Hundreds of restaurant kitchens are empty in this southern California city as thousands of illegal aliens have returned to their native Mexico in order to participate in the Mexican Independence Day celebration.
The festive national event is known as 16 de Septiembre (16 of September). And it is by far the biggest affair in Mexico, even surpassing Pinata Day, Serape Sunday, and Guacamole Week.
Don Dinero De Los Calzones, director of the national event stated in somewhat broken English, "I ease berry, berry happy to say hola, howdy, and how de hell are ju?"
The President of Mexico Nacho Winslow said through an interpreter that this year, unlike past years, everything in the entire country is closed.
He stressed that every school, factory, business office, bullring, burro dealership, and yes even the red-light districts have been ordered to close by The President Nacho Winslow Presidential Mucho Mandate Proclamation Numero 7-139X.
Winslow added that he has members of La FBI working undercover making sure that every citizen abides by his proclamation. He went on to state that if anyone is found to be in violation of his 'proclimito,' as he affectionately calls it, they risk the possibility of being shot. He added that he did not stutter, shot!
In the interest of not causing a nation-wide panic he pointed out, that anyone who is in fact shot will only be shot in the foot or in the elbow. But hopefully everyone will abide by his directive.
The president also wanted to inform the dozens of drug cartels that he did not want them conducting any drug-related business for 24 hours.
He smiled and said that since there is really nothing he can do to enforce his ruling since the drug cartels are more powerful that even Hitler's Gestapo he is putting them on notice that he will be implementing what he calls 'The Drug Cartel Honor System.'
Meanwhile various Mexican cities have gone all out to make this yearly event the best ever. Even better than last year, when for example the entire population of Durango, Mexico all dressed up as bullfighters and paraded up and down Durango's main thoroughfare, Hot Sauce Boulevard yelling and shouting bullfight phrases such as "Ole! cabron!" "Hey Panchito watch out for the bull shit!" and "You call that a pass? My 91-year-old bedridden grandmother Bobby could do better than that."
The joyously jubilant Durango revelers were all dressed in their gayly festive colorful matador's outfits, but not gay in the gay sense of course...but gay in the happy as a fighting bull at a cancelled bullfight way.
Don Dinero De Los Calzones noted that the city of Cancun is thrilled that comedian George Lopez will be the Grand Marshall in Cancun's Hola Americano Touristas Parade, which is geared towards the American tourists who each year bring in more money than all of the millions and millions of bullfights do.
Nuevo Laredo, Mexico is honored to have actress Salma Hayek as their parade Grand Marshall, or rather Grand Marshallette. Ms. Hayek has personally donated one million pesos [$75,726.46 U.S.] worth of firecrackers, bottles of Tequila, explicit photos of herself wearing a string bikini thong in the colors of the Mexican flag, and diet tamales.
President Winslow said that also new for this year is the fact that all of the events will be free to the public. The only ones who will have to pay are any members of the various drug cartels.
He grinned and said that they will be charged one hundred thousand pesos [$7,562.92 U.S.] each which is like a nickel to the average Mexican citizen.
SIDENOTE A: All of the 16 de Septiembre events will be filmed and the highlights will be shown on a special Halloween edition of The Lou Dobbs Show.
SIDENOTE B: A reporter for Mexico's Esports Illustrated Magazine asked President Barack Obama if after the 16 of September celebrations are over would he be allowing all of the illegal aliens who left the U.S. to attend their national celebration in Mexico to return to the United States.
The president did a double take. He started coughing and replied, "Senor, I know you speak English so let me make this as plain as I possibly can. No! And not just No! but sh*t No! Muchas garcias, and you have a good day, my funny little kind of on the pendejo* side amigo."