Written by Rebut
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Topics: France, Racing

Sunday, 25 July 2004

image for Parasites Hail Lance Armstrong
A whole new look expected in 2005

The people of Paris were thrilled to see an American Lance Armstrong, racing to a record 6th win in the Tour de France. The Parisites were so thrilled in fact that they tried to derail him with hailstones from a storm which had broken earlier.

Armstrong speaking from beneath the team's car said that nothing could detract from the joy of the occasion but asked us to act as if we were speaking to the car next to the one he was hiding under.

"I'll bet you can't wait to get onto the podium eh Lance?" asked Phil Liggett. "Podium? I'm going from here to the airport and home. If I stand on that podium it'll be straight to le morgue."

"Aren't you exaggerating the threat Lance?" This one from Paul Sherwin. "Perhaps but the fact that we gave a domestique the yellow jersey as a decoy and he was shot 20 kilometres outside Paris, seems to indicate that the Parasites aren't exactly crazy about Americans."

"Was that symptomatic?" Armstrong rubbing an elbow : "Very much so. Two unnamed French riders tried to crash into me on an uphill stretch in some sort of 'Collision of the Willing'. Good thing it was downwind so I got a good whiff of the Garlic before the two crossed in what they called the "Vampire Slayer Manoeuvre". It drove me batty an' all I can tell you".

Sports Illustrated asked Lance whether he would be back next year to go for number seven. "It is a possibility but I'm first going to undergo plastic surgery".

When asked what this would entail Armstrong replied : "Die my hair brown, cut it very short, reset my jaw, narrow my eyes and make my entire face into an angry scowl which I'll obviously supplement with snarling at people and becoming very unpleasent. Break people's legs, end their career or pull out on the team just before the start of the race citing management problems"

"Of course I'll also have to change my name as well and speak with an accent. So if you see me back next year it will be disguised as Roy Keane!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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