Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Tuesday, 15 September 2009

image for Dr. Phil Psychoanalyses Philip Garrido, Jaycee Lee Dugard's Abductor
Maybe I should take a commercial break here and get someone more qualified to handle this

"You got to be the sickest bastard I've ever psychoanalyzed," said a visibly shaken Dr. Phil after psychoanalyzing Philip Garrido, Jaycee Lee Dugard's abductor via close circuit TV during a commercial break. "In fact, you're so sick that now I'll probably have to undergo psychiatric counseling myself, just to get your sick thoughts out of my head."

With his hand shaking, Dr. Phil then reached into his front coat pocket and pulled out his medical prescription pad and began writing out a prescription.

"Y-all know what I'm doing here?" said Dr. Phil to his studio audience. "That's right, I'm writing out a medical prescription, only not for me, but for Mr. Garrido. And do you know what it's for? Right again, audience. It's for electroshock therapy."

Dr. Phil then turned around to face the towering image of Mr. Garrido on the closed circuit TV screen staring down at him like a demonic force from hell.

"Now Mr. Garrido," continued Dr. Phil. "I'm sending this, ah, medical prescription to your prison warden with the specific instructions that you are to receive these intensive sessions of electroshock therapy as many times a day and at the highest voltage setting as legally possible, okay. Now I don't have any delusions about curing you. In fact, I want to kill you. But since you're guarded 24 hours a day behind a fortress of concrete and steel, the only way, the only legal way, I can get to you is with my little white prescription pad."

With the frequency and intensity that Dr. Phil prescribed the sessions of electroshock therapy, it is more likely than not that they will result in Mr. Garrido demise before they cure him, most medical professionals concur.

"That's the plan," added Dr. Phil. "Sick bastard."

Dr. Phil then stepped down from the stage and into a waiting ambulance out back with the assistance of his wife and an emergency technician.

"To the nearest psychiatric ward?" asked the ambulance driver.

"Screw that,"' said Dr. Phil from underneath an oxygen mask. "Get me to a Catholic priest, Witch Doctor or something."

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