LONDON - The Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle has just released her first single and it has gone right through the ranch house roof.
The 48-year-old amazing lass recorded the Rolling Stones ballad "Wild Horses." And SuBo's version literally blows Mick Jagger's version out of the English Channel waters.
Even Jagger himself reportedly told a reporter for the BBC that Miss Boyle sang that song like he has never ever heard anyone sing it and that includes himself, Barbra Streisand, Tony Bennett, Condoleezza Rice, Beyonce, and the Beatles.
Mick said that Boyle's haunting version literally brought tears to his eyes and he quipped that he hadn't had tears in his eyes since he had to pay millions and millions to settle his last divorce.
Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said that when he first heard Susan singing their song "Wild Horses" he was so moved by her version that he peed in his bathing suit.
Charlie said that it was a good thing that he was in his swimming pool at the time. Stones' guitarist Keith Richard said that hearing SuBo sing their song had the same effect on him, but he was not in a swimming pool, he was standing in line at a McDonald's.
Keith said the manager quickly had one of his employees bring out a mop and bucket and the little matter was taken care of. Richard gave the manager an autograph, he got his Big Mac, French fries, and medium-sized Coke (Coca Cola) and left.
Susan Boyle is scheduled to appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, The Larry King Show, The Sean Hannity Show, The Weather Channel, and a special edition of Cops.
She will also appear on The Housewives of Atlanta, Jon and Kate Plus 8, The Housewives of Orange County, and The Blonde Housewife Bitches of Beverly Hills.
Susan, who several months ago had said that she had never been kissed was asked how many times she has been kissed since making that statement back on The Britain's Got Talent stage in London.
SuBo smiled and said, "Well, to be perfectly honest, I stopped counting at number 120." She grinned and said that she has also had a dozen marriage proposals, but added that there is only one man who could take her heart and sweep her off of her size 9 feet.
When asked who that man might be. Susan blushes and says that it's none other than her lifelong dreamboat, her delicious idol, and the man of her dreams Donnie Osmond.
She said that of all the men in the world, Donnie boy is the only one who gives her a happy feeling down in her [INTIMATE FEMALE BODY PART DELETED BY EDITOR] region.
[PUBLISHER'S NOTE: I agree with the editor's decision on not including the whole word, but I will however allow the word's first letter, which is the letter P.]
[WRITER'S NOTE: An anagram for the deleted word is: yussP.]
[PROOFREADER'S NOTE: The correct spelling of the deleted word is (INTIMATE FEMALE BODY PART DELETED BY EDITOR, PUBLISHER, AND WRITER).]
[PUBLISHER'S SECRETARY'S NOTE: Hey Mr. Tigglewood, I've been patient long enough. Come through with that raise you promised me or I'm calling the wife and telling her all about our torrid affair. And I swear, this time I am not kidding Kendell.]
When Susan was asked what it is about Donnie that makes her so attracted to him she quickly says, his eyes, his lips, his vocal cords, and the manly bulge that occupies the confines of the crotch in his wiggly pants.
SIDENOTE: When Boyle was asked what has been the biggest change in her life since she has become one of the world's most famous singers, she pauses for a moment and then says, "Oh that's an easy one. now, I no longer buy me knickers at Walgreen's Drugstore, now I buys 'em at Victoria's Secret."
NOTICE: It has always been the editorial policy of this newspaper publication to publish the names of all individuals named in our published articles. So in keeping with that long standing tradition as well as implemented publicational policy:
Publisher: Kendell Tigglewood
Editor: Rollie Dublinshire
Writer: Abel Rodriguez
Proofreader: Takasaki Kawashima
Publisher's Secretary: Courtney Stratmill