Written by Chief Cheese
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Topics: Congress, Washington

Wednesday, 2 March 2005

image for Congress allocates $417 Billion for Pentagon
Secretary Rumsfeld showing off his 'dutchboy' imitation

In one of the largest real estate deals ever consummated in Washington, Congress has allocated $417.5 Billion dollars for the Pentagon. "We're really, really tired of paying rent on a building as big as the Pentagon," said House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Bill Thomas, R-Calif. "With interest rates at historic lows, we decided to pull the trigger." While there were no comps in the immediate neighborhood, Don D. Dondon, agent for the seller, thinks the price is fair. "At $63,000 per square foot, plus or minus, you're talking a hell of a deal for Uncle Sam." Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld agreed with Dondon that the deal represented a win/win for everyone. "We went round and round with them," said Rumsfeld. "First they wanted new carpet. Then they wanted a new roof on the place. Well, I don't have to tell you that we weren't going to do that. That roof has been on there since the 40's and it doesn't leak or anything. They don't make them like that anymore."

Dewey Cheatham, agent for the buyer, was more bellicose. "Location, location, location is really what drove this. You can't beat the Pentagon for its proximity to freeways, subways, buses, trains and even other modes of public transport. Capitol Hill and even the White House share the same neighborhood. The Place is surrounded by shops, restaurants, and other high-end establishments. Nothing but lawyers living around it. We crunched the numbers many times and I can tell you the value of this property has no where to go but up, up, up. In a couple of years this place is going to double in value."

"I'm not entirely satisfied with the agreed-upon price," said Congressman and member of the House Ways and Means Committee Pete Stark, D-Calif. "My sources in the CIA indicate that the value of the Pentagon was way overstated by Secretary Rumsfeld. I think Congress may very well have been had, in a bad way, this time. I think there should be a subcommittee organized immediately, charged with getting to the bottom of this transaction."

An attempt was made by Congress to buy the Pentagon before, but the deal came unraveled when Congress couldn't come up with the down payment. In addition, there were some hints that its credit may have been "challenged" at that time. "We had to make some calls, we had to write a few letters," said Congressman Thomas. "There were a couple of times, before I was in office, I might add, that things got a little sloppy. We've cleared them all up now."

The Escrow period is scheduled to last 60 days.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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