"THE RANCH" CRAWFORD, TEXAS (AP) Local law enforcement officers seized a large quantity of marijuana from the ranch owned by President George Bush. In an early morning raid, undercover officers swooped into the old ranch house, which was being used to grow hundreds of marijuana plants. Sheriff Culpepper said, "This is a shame! George Bush may be President, but that doesn't give him the right to break the law. He even had DEA officers standing guard around the place, but we knew what was going on in there---you could just smell all that weed from a mile away! We confiscated hundreds of pot plants to use as evidence and then just piled up and burned all the rest."
The Bush ranch house from a surveillance photograph
Other officers showed reporters the interior of the ranch house that President Bush had outfitted with dozens of grow lights and hundreds of hydroponic growing beds. One deputy described a corner of the room where it was obvious that Bush had spent a lot of time getting high: "There was a big red bong and all kinds of Top Secret papers laying around. It looked like Bush was actually using those papers to roll big joints. He must have been doing a lot of partying there with all his staff. There were all kinds of half-eaten munchies in there too---an awful mess. That Bush is a real slob!"
George W. Bush's marijuana growing room at The Ranch.
Reporters were not allowed to see President Bush being handcuffed and arrested, but were told later that he had resisted arrest and had to be subdued with mace. Later on that afternoon the President was released on $100,000 bond. He returned to the ranch and held a brief news conference.
A confident President Bush gives a thumbs up at the news conference after his drug bust. "I don't know anything...!
"These charges are completely false," said the President showing a big smile to all the reporters. "I don't know anything about any pot and I never inhaled any of the stuff. I've been very busy in Washington playing the President thing and I just have no idea what some of my cowboy friends might have been doing back here at The Ranch while I was gone. If they were growing any of that marijuana, I'm going to make sure that Attorney General Ashcroft prosecutes them to the fullest extent of the law."
"OK... Now, I've got to catch a ride on Air Force One in about an hour so I can get back to the White House, but you boys can stay here at The Ranch and enjoy yourselves. I hear the Sheriff missed some of that marijuana in that building over there. Y'all have a good time now!"
Later that evening the President, flying aboard Air Force One, was able to relax a bit and make light of the day's events with Andrew Card, Condoleezza Rice, Karl Rove, and Karen Hughes who had spent most of the 5-month vacation at The Ranch with the President.
Aboard Air Force One: "Man, this is some good weed!"
"Whew, that was a close one... I think those cops bought that story about the cowboys," joked Bush. "I sure hope so. I just gave the DEA the go-ahead for that 27 million dollar anti drug campaign and we don't need any bad publicity now with all that election stuff coming up soon. When is that thing anyway? I hope I win again, because I sure enjoy getting high on my own private plane with all my buddies!"
After a Spoof reporter asked President Bush not to Bogart the bong, Bush smiled and finally passed it to Karl Rove saying, "I forgot I had it in in my hand!"
In a related story, several weeks later the DEA released its 27 million dollar anti drug campaign: