Washington, D.C. - A U.S. Coast Guard naval vessel patrolling the Potomac River has fired on a vessel full of voluptuous blonde ladies taking part in a photo shoot for the swimwear edition of a top men's magazine, while President Obama was heading across the river to deliver the 9/11 annual commemorative speech.
As the 81 mm. mortar round was being delivered to the errant vessel, several of the models were seen jumping into the river, their wayward breasts flailing wildly as they careened into the crisp autumnal air, their nipples erecting with glee as they met the cool, wet probes of the lightly rippling water.
Upon hearing the shrieks of terror erupting from the myriad of scantily clad bodies, the President abruptly turned toward the commotion and remarked, "Lordy. I haven't seen this much ruckus since the time May Pang put too much starch in the guests wash at the Kaanapali Beach Retirement Camp in Maui."
The mortar missed the boaters and became lodged in the sidewalk beside the river unexploded. Upon realizing their mistake, several members of the Coast Guard dove in to rescue the now bikiniless models, providing mouth to mouth to whomever seemed at all listless. In fact there were many examples of this being unwarranted. However prudence became the overarching principle in the rescue, rather than carelessness.
After the rescue was completed, the President on his way, and the whole event had come to an end, the models were flown by medivac to the USCG training center in Yorktown, Virginia to recuperate and enjoy a seven course meal in the Officer's mess.
Several hours later, a coast guard member returned to the scene to retrieve a forgotten bikini only to find a waterlogged and snoozing Washington councilor Marion Barry, clenching the article in his fist.
Mr. Barry, an obviously overlooked casualty of the whole escapade, was transported to Virginia Beach by helicopter whereupon he was transferred to a light ketch, given a bottle of Dewars scotch, and pushed out to sea.
This final act was accompanied by the sounds of the U.S. Navy Band and Chorus singing 'Eternal Father (Strong to Save)'.