Written by Vic Arious
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Topics: Glenn Beck

Friday, 11 September 2009

image for Glenn Beck quits Fox News, goes on tour with Wanda Sykes
Wanda Sykes reacts to

Washington DC - Former conservative commentator Glenn Beck has given up his prime time spot on Fox News, and announced plans to join Wanda Sykes, the openly gay African-American comedian, on her upcoming Funny Ass Liberal Lesbo tour.

Appearing on NBC's Late Show last night, Mormon convert Beck told host David Letterman "Me and Sistah Sykes be bustin' it on the queer club circuit fo shizzle. We comin' to represent fo mah LDS homies at the Tabernacle Club in Salt Lake City next Sabbath Day, then hittin' the gay bay all next week. After that, we gonna bring tha funk on home to Washington DC, and chill at mah main man Barack's crib. No beers in the Rose Garden though, just coffee and doughnuts. I'm still on the wagon."

Sources report that before his appearance on the rival TV network, Beck submitted his resignation to Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch in person, by dancing suggestively in front of Murdoch's office window wearing nothing but a tank top with "I heart socialized medicine" printed on the back.

Some observers have attributed Glenn Beck's dramatic left turn to Liberal Propaganda. Mr Beck's former Fox colleague Bill O'Reilly said "the Obama administration's top secret Cerebral Cortex Conversion Program has obviously brainwashed Glenn Beck with subliminal messages. This kind of socialist mind control is why real Americans must join me in telling President Osama Bin Liberal to shut up, shut up, just shut up."

In a hastily convened press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs distanced President Obama from Mr Beck's remarks, saying "President Obama has no intention of letting Glenn Beck get within five miles of the White House, let alone into the Rose Garden. If Mr Beck shows up on Pennsylvania Avenue, the Secret Service will have him on the next flight to Guantanamo, even if it means the President doesn't get to meet Wanda Sykes."

Asked to comment on Bill O'Reilly's accusations, Mr Gibbs strenously denied any involvement by the White House, and also the existence of the CCCP. "The Administration has absolutely not created a Cerebral Cortex Conversion Program. The Alpha Waves in Glenn Beck's brain have not been re-programmed by a cunningly disguised, three part subliminal signal. The pieces of this non-existent hypnotic suggestion were not embedded in the President's recent speech to America's school children, nor in his address to congress on health care reform, and certainly not in a modified copy of the new video game 'Rock Band: The Beatles'. And whilst playing that game's guitar riffs on the song Helter Skelter, Mr Beck definitely did not hear the trigger phrase 'you want to be a queer loving pinko' spoken backwards by the President over and over."

Rupert Murdoch is said to be recovering from Glenn Beck's resignation at a secluded location in Crawford, Texas. He could not be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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