Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 11 September 2009

image for Barbara Padilla and Susan Boyle To Record "Voices Across The Water"
Donnie Osmond who took Susan Boyle to dinner down in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

NEW YORK CITY - The singing sensation from Scotland, Susan Boyle, and the singing sensation from Mexico, Barbara Padilla will soon be going into the recording studio and recording a song written by Sir Paul McCartney titled "Voices Across The Water."

And all of the proceeds from the sales of the song will go to two organizations, The Homeless Scottish Children of Mexico and The Homeless Mexican Children of Scotland.

Susan Boyle who vowed never to get a make over did end up getting one. And it helped her get a date with the man of her dreams, none other than the male half of the Donnie and Marie singing duo, Donnie Osmond.

Boyle was asked where Mr. Osmond took her and she blushed and said that they went to a nice quaint little restaurant down in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico called El Toro Que Gano (The Bull That Won).

Susan said that she had never eaten Mexican food. Donnie said that he had eaten it 137 times.

Donnie ordered them the El Chingoner Appetizer Tray which consisted of Fajita Macho Nachos, Quesadillas de las Cabronas, Cheez Whiz Stuffed Fried Frijolero Jalapenos, and Juevotes de Toro (big nuts of the bull).

Susan ate the Fajita Macho Nachos, the Quesadillas de las Cabronas, passed on the Cheez Whiz Stuffed Fried Frijolero Jalapenos, and ate seven bull nuts.

When asked what the bull nuts tasted like, Susan grinned and said that they tasted a little bit like chicken but only with a lot more of a testosterone taste.

Donnie did not want to eat any of the Juevotes de Toro but Susan convinced him by saying that if he ate them there might be a chance that he could get lucky a little bit later on and possibly end up at third base.

Osmond blushed and ended up eating 16 before the waiter told him that eating anything over 8 could cause your "Pee-Pee" to shrink in size by about two inches.

Donnie made a bicep muscle and said that he could afford it as that would still put him in the neighborhood of 5.5 inches.

Susan smiled a smile that could have lit up a cold dark Alaskan night.

The waiter, named Pitito de la Carucha, started laughing and told him that he was only pulling his foot. Donnie said "Leg, you mean that you were only pulling my leg."

"No senor, I say to you dat I was only pulling jur foot. I watch the Opera Wintry Choe ebry day at noonish so I think dat I can tell it the difference between a foots and a legs thank ju too many for asking."

"More Tequila senor?" Pitito asked.

Donnie smiled and told him that he did not care for anymore but that the lady would like a triple shot of Tequila on the rocks.

The waiter asked him if his grandmother would like a drinking straw as well. Osmond replied that she was not his grandmother and that she was his date.

Pitito curled his left index finger and bit it ever so lightly. "I am so sorry senor, it ease just that the woman chi looks so how you say it in English?...ah...so damn old amigo. Chi kinda sorta reminds me of dat funny ass old hag dat comes out on America Chi's Got Talent Grandma Leche.

Osmond said that he did not like the insinuations that he had made about Ms. Boyle. He asked him if he had a problem with him being with a woman who, yes he did admit, looked old enough to be his grandmother.

Pitito replied that if he had a problem with him having a problem then he suggested that he just build a bridge and get over it.

Pitito started laughing and said that in the Land of the Pinata (Mexico) it was considered bad luck for a man to date an older woman. Donnie asked him what happens if a man does date an older woman, and Pitito said nothing really bad, unless you consider your two juevos (balls) falling off to be bad.

Donnie looked at him and asked him if he was pulling his foot again.

The waiter gave him a fist bump and answered "Jes. I was only just making a funny to you my crazy Americano friend vato (dude)."

As the happy May-December couple was finishing up their dinner they noticed a couple walk in. Susan turned to Donnie and said that it looked like Barbara Padilla, the fantastic singer from America's Got Talent.

Donnie looked over and told her that it was not Barbara Padilla because this person was holding a wooden guitar, had on a big Emiliano Zapata sombrero, and had a big bushy Mexico bandit moustache.

Boyle flicked Donnie's left ear with her finger and said that he was looking at the wandering mariachi singer that was standing in front of Ms. Padilla.

Susan told Donnie to walk over and invite her and her date to sit at their table. He stood up and walked towards the entrance where Ms. Padilla was standing

He introduced himself. Ms. Padilla asked him if he was with his sister Marie. He said that he was not as they both looked over at Susan sitting at their table.

Padilla told him that she thought it was so nice of Donnie to take his grandmother out to eat.

Donnie said that it was not his grandmother. Padilla blushed and said that she was sorry and that he did not mean to imply that his mother looked old.

Donnie said that it was not his mother either. He told her that it was his date. Padilla got embarrassed and she told him if he knew about the May-December Mexican Dating Curse. He answered yes but that he had heard that it was just an old wives tale.

Padilla laughed and she said, that she has lived in Mexico most of her life and she personally knows three guys who dated older women and they now all have extremely high-pitched voices like Wayne Newton and that she was just saying.

Donnie fainted.

He awoke several hours later. He was was in his hotel room with Susan laying next to him. He looked underneath the covers and noticed that he was not wearing his blue jeans but he was now dressed in bullfighters tights.

Donnie asked Susan what in the world had happened. She was smiling from ear-to-ear as she licked her lips. She smiled and said "Ole! Ole! Ole! you big strong matador you."

She then poured them each a tall glass of Jose Cuervo Tequila, she winked at Donnie, and said that the May-December Dating Curse was nothing but a pure unadulterated bullsh*t myth!

In related news. Acapulco pill specialist Dr. Antonio Antonio "Tony Tony" Del Macaroni says that he has discovered a pill that will ward off the dreaded swine flu.

Dr. Tony Tony, as 60 percent of his patients call him, said that the magical mystery pill which he has nicknamed "The Beatles Pill" consists of four parts Burro ears, three parts baby bull slobberings, two parts scorpion ovaries, one part homing pigeon hormones, and a dash of oceanic salt.

When asked if it worked. The doctor said that he thinks it does, but he is not quite sure as yet. When asked why, he replied that the reason that he is not sure yet is because the prescription dosage calls for the individual to take 700 pills before breakfast, 700 before lunch, and 700 before dinner.

Dr. Del Macaroni said that so far he does not know of anyone who has been able to achieve the recommended dosage.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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