Washington, DC - Investigators led by Rahm Emanuel, White House chief of staff, have uncovered evidence of a lifetime of pathological lying by Republican Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina. Mr. Wilson made headlines for his outburst during the President's Health Care Speech in the House chamber Wednesday night, shouting "You lie!" in response to Mr. Obama's statement that Democratic health proposals would not cover illegal immigrants.
Mr. Emanuel, who insists that the investigation should "in no way be characterized as a retaliatory move," has found "blatant and destructive lies" attributed to Mr. Wilson as early as 1953 and leading to the present. Records show that Mr. Wilson lied in Kindergarten about smearing black paint on a portrait of Abraham Lincoln hanging in the school library and defacing it with the words "Nigger Lover". When he was in the sixth grade, he lied about painting swastikas on Chung's Low-Country Chinese Restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina, which he mistook for a Jewish Temple. "We had to wash out that boy's mouth so much," said Mamie Pittypat, 93, retired principal of Wilson's alma mater, the Brigadier General Hamilton Prioleau Bee Elementary School, "that he had bubbles coming out of his ass!".
Throughout his high school career, he insisted that he was really the love child of Strom Thurmond and Dolly Parton. His lying prowess in college soon made him legendary, earning him the nickname "Jivin' Joe", which he was known to hate because it sounded "so NEGRO". He was such a prolific liar while attending the University of South Carolina School of Law that they made him Valedictorian, and he received more offers from real estate firms than any graduate in the school's history. He went on to make a fortune selling condemned buildings to illegal immigrants before he co-founded the law firm Kirkland, Wilson, Moore, Taylor, Thomas & other Good Ole Boys, Esq.
Recently, he lied to cover up an addiction to online poker shortly after co-sponsoring an Internet Gambling Prohibition Act, after he was caught logging into a Library of Congress computer using the screen name "Loose_Cannon".
When confronted with overwhelming evidence of his lies, Wilson was said to have screamed (you guessed it!) "You lie!" at the top of his lungs.