MANHATTAN - Trudy "Titina" Tinkerwitt, founder and president of Titina's Manhattan Mammogram Service Agency has stated that in conjunction with this year's National Breast Appreciation Day, which is Monday, September 28, her Agency will be providing to all women between the ages of 21 and 91 a free, no charge, no obligation Mammogram.
Tinkerwitt said that she is able to make this amazing offer due to the fact that her and four very close friends all took the presidential stimulus package checks that they received from President Obama and put them into a special funbags checking account at The First Medicinal Interstate Bank of Manhattan.
She said that as far as she knows there are only two other cities in the U.S. who currently offer free mammograms, Twin Buttes, North Dakota, and Short Pump, Virginia.
Ms. Tinkerwitt pointed out that the main goal of providing these free clinical mammograms is to discourage women from performing unsafe do-it-yourself mammograms on themselves.
There have been several instances where women have misread the instructions and they ended up having to be rushed to the emergency room.
One woman, who shall remain nameless, actually showed up at the hospital with her left num num still attached to a cheese grater. A nurse said that she was screaming so loud that people four blocks away inside a Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant could her her hollering like a stuck banshee.
Another nameless woman showed up with both of her lactoids in an industrial tortilla press. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I have seen unretouched photos of both women's mammarinos and let me state as Reba McEntire says, "It tain't a pretty picture, tain't a pretty picture at all."]
Larry King was asked if by any chance he knew the names of the two women involved in the self-mammograms gone wrong. He grinned and asked does Elton John know euphemisms for the word gay?
Do Angelina Jolie and Madonna know about adoption rights? and does the Pope's pet bear shit in the Vatican's woods?
Larry stated that the woman that got her num num stuck in the cheese grater is named Quanni Wynnwick, and she is 29-year-old dental hygienist who lives in Topeka, Kansas.
The other woman who showed up with both of her lactoids in an industrial tortilla press is Cassie Santarelli, 37, who works as a waitress at The Rolling R's Burrito Restaurant in Alamogordo, New Mexico.
The Lower Manhattan city council has voted unanimously to inform Titina's Mammogram Service Agency that they will match any and all of her funds 'tit-for-tat.'