Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 13 September 2009

image for Kristen Stewart To Star In "The Kristen Stewart Story"
A pair of animal print knickers that Robbie Pattinson gave to Kristen on her 19th birthday.

LONDON - It has been announced that Kristen Stewart is to star in Reginald Chiswickett's The Kristen Stewart Story.

Chiswickett is considered to be one of England's most respected producers. He produced four of the James Bond films including Rwanda Wanda With Lust, Dr. Goldfinger's Thunderballs, The Spy Who Kinda Sorta Loved Diamonds, and Octupussy 8 It.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Octupussy 8 It was originally banned in 189 countries. When the director removed the scenes involving the four Playboy bunnies and the Norwegian sex fiend, 172 countries decided to lift their ban.]

The director of The Kristen Stewart Story Ollie Linlithgow says that oddly enough Kristen was not the first choice to play herself.

The part was first offered to Amy Winehouse who immediately turned it down because she did not want to have to get her teeth fixed to look all pretty and straight like Stewart's are.

The second person who turned the part down was Nicole Kidman because she just felt that at the age of 42, she was just too old to be playing a 19 year old.

British actress Keira Knightley passed on the part because she refused the director's request to go in and have breast augmentation surgery.

So Linlithgow decided to offer the part of Kristen Stewart to Kristen Stewart. And at first Stewart said that she did not know if she could do the part justice.

She confessed that she was so afraid that she would not be as believable as an actress like Keira Knightley or Reese Witherspoon. Linlithgow convinced her that she would do just fine.

In other news. Tom Hanks has just announced that he has been signed to appear in the picture, Oops, The Joe "Shit Storm" Wilson Story.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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